LAST NIGHT....

Last night my entire family was on a boat. It was an ocean going yacht, with several floors and different deck levels. It was dark, mid-evening, but the fog lights and different colored decorative accent lighting made for a beautiful ambiance as we were docked in the middle of nowhere. We sat outside on elaborately decorated furniture and discussing conversations that I remember nothing about.My family has never owned a boat, in fact my husband Sam is very prone to sea sickness but last night it didn't seem to bother him.
I got up and rounded the corner to walk along the side of this floating mansion, holding on to the railing so that I wouldn't slip on the freshly polished white fiberglass flooring. There was someone walking towards me in the dark. He was taller than me, but wasn't taking very much care or concern about slipping and falling the way I was. As he approached he moved towards me in a way that was so familiar. We met under a spot light hanging at least 15 feet above our heads and I as looked I saw the most beautiful big brown eyes staring back at me. I was gasping for air, and trembling with uncertainty because the person standing before me was Addison. Not an apparition, or a ghostly looking figure, but actually Addison. In the flesh, it was my Addison, clad in bagging jeans, a long sleeved shirt and flip flops of course.
I said "Oh my God, Addison! What are you doing here?!" He replied calmly "Well, I thought you had been asking for me for a while now? Did they tell me wrong?" I stood there staring at him, mouth half open in disbelief with that star struck look on my face people get when they realize they are standing in front of a famous actor or professional athlete and have no idea what to say.
The next thing I remember was leading him around the side of the boat towards the rest of my family shouting "Addison is Here! He's HERE!" No one seemed scared, but just happier than everyone had been in months. We had so many questions for him, that everyone was talking over each other but he seemed to be able to hear everyone individually.
He told my dad that he was a scribe of some sorts in Heaven, but "it's not so bad, I kinda like it." He was very happy to tell me that there WERE animals in Heaven, just like I had hoped. He said "Jessica, just like you read in that book 'Heaven is for Real,' Jesus Does have a multi-colored horse, it's really cool." He told my mom that people in fact DO have wings in heaven, but of course very different from the angels wings.

I told him "I'm so happy you are here, but why did you come?" Addison replied "Sorry, I THOUGHT you wanted to see me!" I grabbed both of his hands, which were warm, unlike the last time I held his hands, and said "I've wanted to see you more than ANYTHING for the last 88 days, I just didn't think that was ever possible. Did you hear me crying for you? Did you hear me say repeatedly that I would do ANYTHING to see you again?" He looked at me with that familiar face, furrowed eyebrows like I was insane, and said "Of course not, you know it doesn't work that way. I was TOLD you wanted to see me. I don't know what's going on down here, we're having fun where I've been! And you KNOW I can't stay." I told him about visiting his High School, and traveling to Nashville, and ALL the work I had been doing and he smiled and said what I had always known he would say if he knew what we were doing - "Figures, I wouldn't expect anything less from you." I said, "do you know Nick Spivey? I met his mom on facebook, he is about your age, his mom and I have talked and you two sound a lot alike." He thought for a minute, lifting his eyes up and to left trying to think and said, "No, I don't know anyone named Nick, but all I have to do is ask, and I can find him."
It was just then that I realized the boat we were on was docked near a bridge, and cars were driving on it at interstate speeds in both directions. Then came an awful sound. A sound that when you hear it, you just know, something gruesome and tragic has just occurred. Then we saw from the boat, a little red truck plummeting towards the water from the bridge above. We all looked on in horror, no one had a phone, and those people need help, what are we going to do??!!! Addison watched too, as the truck hit the water with a sound as if it were smashing into concrete. He turned and said, "it's okay, the woman will be fine, the man is gone already, but he went Home, he's probably already seeing Jesus' face right now." He went onto say "that's how fast it happens you know. In the blink of an eye - you're just THERE."
I hugged Addison and held him so tight. I could smell him. That Addison smell hadn't changed. The way it felt to hug him hadn't changed. Everything felt exactly the same as the last time I hugged him on January 1st.

I so desperately wanted to never let him go, but I felt something licking my face and was very confused. As I opened my eyes, I saw my dog Bella, who had crawled up beside me in the bed as it was nearing dawn. She was licking tears from my cheeks as I slept and had awoken me. I put my arms around her when I realized the dream that I had just had, and whispered to her "I saw Addison Bella; I HUGGED him; I was WITH him." And Bella didn't mind to stay right there next to me as I cried myself back to sleep for a few short hours.
I'm not really sure how my mood will be for the rest of today after having such a VIVID and wonderful dream. Because when I was fully awake this morning I realized that it WAS just a dream, and Addison had not come back to me which makes the ache in my heart so apparent. But at the same time, I think back on it and it's the strangest feeling to be crying and smiling at the same time because in the subconscious of my mind I saw my brother last night. I heard him and smelled him and hugged him and it all seemed so incredibly real.....

ADDISON FACTS

All of these memories happened during the last week of Addison's life while we were enjoying the beach together at Christmas.

TABOO
I don't know how many of you have played this game. We thought it would be fun to bring with us on our trip. Addison and I played on a team together against my mother and her best friend. Here are a couple of things that happened to show how funny Addison was.
I was feeding Addison the clues and the word was "DROPOUT" - you couldn't use the taboo words such as school, or fail, or anything like that so I said, "Um, Addison, this is STILL a possibility for you...." Without hesitation he yelled "JAIL!!!" We had been through so much with him over the years and were so convinced that he was doing well, and would continue to, that we all thought that was so funny, mostly because he said it SO quickly, and THAT was the first thing he thought of.
Another word I was trying to get him to say was "TOMBOY" so my clue was "Well, I was sort of like this when I was little" and again without hesitation Addison yells "UGLY!!!"
He was such a goof ball, and our family takes jokes really well, and we were always making fun of each other and no one ever got their feelings hurt.

One night I was standing out back with Addison and my mom smoking a cigarette, and we could see this young couple in the hallway. They looked to be no older than about 18 or 19 and they were totally making out right in front of the back door, which was ALL glass. We were trying not to stare, but I said "Are they going to take that to a room, or just do everything right there in the hallway?" Addison, being Addison immediately says "Yeah, do you want to go to your room with YOUR parents, or to my room with MY parents?" You can bet whenever you needed a laugh, just hang around Addison for a few minutes.

When we were checking out to go home, Addison was steering the luggage cart to the front lobby with ALL of our stuff on it. He got to the lobby and this Bahamian man that worked there said, "Hey, are you checking out???" And Addison looks him dead in the face without even cracking a smile and said "No man, I'm just taking my luggage for a ride."

Addison was the quickest witted person I have ever met. You could come at him with ANYTHING and he would have a funny and immediate answer. I miss that laugh, and I miss him making me laugh. I haven't laughed very much in the last few months, and no one could ever make me laugh the way he did. I'm doing my best to remember "the good times" which there were so many. Thats what my grandfather does. Even when I do that it makes me smile because of the memory, but then there are tears because we can't make any more like it....

WATE TV NEWS STORY

Here is the link to the news story about Catholic yesterday


http://www.wate.com/category/21819/news-news-video?clipId=6879315&topVideoCatNo=4694&autoStart=true

Catholic High Schoolers learn about prescription pill epidemic

I wanted to post a video link, but there is none available at this time.  If they post it, I will be sure and make it possible for everyone to view.  Thanks you <3

Catholic High Schoolers learn about prescription pill epidemic

KNOXVILLE CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL

Today I will be finishing my presentation to take to Catholic High School tomorrow. I need prayers! I know so many of you have been doing that anyway. I pray that what I tell them tomorrow reaches those kids - If they have never tried any kind of drug before I pray that what I say prevents that from happening. If they have already ventured down that road of experimentation I pray that my words will enlighten them to stop doing it, if they aren't addicted to anything, and ask for help if they are. As you can see from the new album, you can't tell by LOOKING at someone whether or not they have a drug problem. I won't know it , but I may be speaking to a teenager that does, and no one knows it. Pray that I can impact them in a positive way ♥ ♥ ♥

A MEMORY

A MEMORY:
January 6, 2009 

That morning I had taken Addison to UT for orientation and realized when he answered the door that something was terribly wrong. He had taken something, but at the time I had no idea what it was.
That night, my mom called me and said that she had just gotten off the phone with Addison and his words sounded slurred. She wanted me to call him myself and see if I heard the same thing in his voice. I called his cell phone repeatedly, getting more and more nervous as each call went unanswered.
I called his roommates cell phone. A roommate that had moved into the apartment that my parents were paying for without asking permission, and without paying for ANYTHING whatsoever. This was the same roommate that I would later find out gave Addison his very first pill.
I knew right off that when he answered the phone that he didn't sound right for sure. I sternly asked him "WHERE is Addison?" To which I received a nonchalant "I don't know, I'm playing a video game." Sternness turned to anger when I yelled "You are in a two bedroom APARTMENT. GET up, off your ASS, and GO LOOK!!!"
A few minutes passed as I heard fumbling noises coming from the other end of the line. Anger then turned to panic when I was told "Well, he's in the bathroom, on the floor, sort of half way in the tub, and half way out." I demanded that he check to see if Addison had a pulse or if it was too much trouble to interrupt his video game to make sure that my brother was still alive. He told me "Oh no man, he's okay, he does this all the time. He's asleep, he'll just sleep really good for a long time and then he'll wake up and he'll be fine."
With every part of my body trembling, having remembered what I had seen that same morning I demanded to know what Addison had taken. It took some yelling, screaming, and threatening to get it out of him, but finally I was told that he had taken about 6 or 8 Xanax bars. And again I heard, "But it's totally cool, he does it like every other day." With all of the panic I felt I don't remember all the expletives that came flying out of my mouth next but I do remember telling him that SOMEONE was on the way. I didn't know if it would be my family, or an ambulance, or the cops, or all three, but someone was coming.
I couldn't even get my cell phone held still enough to call my mom back. Once it began ringing I yelled for my husband and was trying to get out of my pajamas and into my regular clothes while I told my mom what was happening. All I got out was "Mom we need to go, Addison didn't answer the phone because he is unconscious on the bathroom floor, what do you want me to do?" She was trying to get out of her pajamas and into regular clothes too as she yelled for my dad and told us to meet them at Baptist West Hospital.
That January night was cold. My parents called my grandparents to follow them to Addison's apartment. My grandfather being a retired Marine made my mom think they might need his help depending on the situation they found upon arrival.
When we left our house it raining. Not even pouring, but what was happening was probably the definition of a MONSOON. The rain drops were as big as golf balls and then came slamming down onto the windshield with great force. We could barely see to drive. My parents and my grandfather were experiencing the same weather as they sped at break neck speed down the interstate to Addison's apartment.
They entered the door and ran to Addison's bathroom. There he was, the way I had described. My grandfather picked him up, which Addison wasn't a really small guy at almost 5'11'' and about 170 pounds. He threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carried him down one flight of stairs to the car.
When we met them at the hospital Addison was awake again. He was in ROOM 1 in the emergency room, and he was angry. The doctors had forced my parents to leave the room because Addison was 19, and not a minor, and he didn't want them in the room. My mother was hysterical because since Addison had not given permission the doctors would not discuss with her anything about Addison despite her plea's to them that he was her CHILD, no matter what his age!
I begged a nurse to go ask Addison if he would let me in. I was relieved when she opened back up the two large automatic doors and said "come on."
I proceeded back to ROOM 1, where I found Addison awake, hooked to an I.V. He was groggy, but sitting up in the bed. His big brown eyes were as bloodshot as fire engines, and his face was fuming with fury when he screamed to me "I HATE YOU JESSICA! I F-IN HATE YOU!! Apparently that was the only reason he allowed me to come back there, to tell me that he hated me for calling our parents. As I backed away with a nurse in my face I yelled back at him that I didn't care if he hated me forever as long as he was alive.
A few hours later, which by then was the wee hours of the morning we were able to take Addison home back to my parents. Leaving still with very little information from the doctors about what had happened and what they had done to treat him. I sent my husband home, who had to work in a few short hours and road with my family back to their house.

72 hours later Addison was on a plane to Arkansas to Capstone Treatment Facility where he would stay for the next 4 and a half months. That was a terrifying night. When I got the call January 2 of this year saying meet us at the hospital, it's Addison. I was panicked yet again, but knowing he had been clean for 6 months I was NEVER expecting the news that I got on that day. I repeatedly wrote ROOM 1 in capital letters because that was the room that Addison was in when he overdosed on Xanax. The next time I saw him in the hospital, it was the same room. He was at the same hospital, in ROOM 1, but this time he was gone. He wasn't screaming that he hated me. He was cold, and intebated with a tube down his throat. There was no fixing it this time. My baby brother was dead. Addison was never coming home again, ever. That was, and will remain, the worst day of all of our lives.

HOUSE

I sort of knew this but it is the last season of HOUSE on Fox. My husband and I watched Monday's episode that we had recorded and I couldnt help but remember that after May 10th, 2009 when I was seriously injured in my first and only horseback riding accident in 22 years, and just weeks after Addison had returned home from rehab that he spent almost 4 SOLID weeks in my mother's bed with me and we watched the first 5 whole seasons of that show together; in sequence- even having my husband go to Best Buy and purchase the last box set that we didnt already own. We watched House together for so many weeks that even though my parents love that show too, they were begging us to please watch something else bc they were so tired of seeing it. That was the same time period when I knew I needed to go home to Sam bc my broken ribs were almost healed and Addison begged me: "Please can't you and Sam just move in with us? Please don't go home, I just want you here with me." That was such a special time for us together, we watched House, we played cards, and sometimes I had to make him leave the room bc he made me laugh so much it hurt my broken and healing ribs so bad I couldn't stand it. I will never forget how many hours, days, and weeks he laid with me in that bed - laughing, talking, sleeping, and spending such quality time together. I hated at the time that I was hurt and couldn't ride, but I realize know how MUCH quality time that I got to spend with Addison that I can never get back. And the memories of those weeks I will always be thankful for.

BAD DAYS

Tonight has been a painful one. I don't know why. One minute you think you are fine, and you get used to telling people that "my little brother died," then without a moments notice you can't believe those words that are coming out of your mouth.
Everyone has been so kind, especially on this page but so many have said that THIS is the "new normal." They are those that unfortunately have been through the same thing so they would know. I don't want this to be the "new normal" and I don't want to learn to live with it. And if I could take 4 or 5 days at a time I would, but one day at a time is our only option.
I just want my brother back. All the fears and worries about him are gone, but have been replaced with a kind of sorrow that I never knew existed. I feel bad for my husband, who has been unbelievably wonderful, but who would want to live with someone thats eternally sad?
I feel bad for my parents since this is the second son they have lost. Many of you don't know they had a son before I was born that was very premature, and in the late 70's they didn't have the technology they do today for premies. He lived one short week before dying on October 26, 1978. Then I was born on October 26, 1979. I never got to meet him and until Addison died I never put into perspective that I actually have TWO brothers. But I am the only one left. They are together now and I'm alone with no siblings, and no children of my own.
As time marches on, what will become of me if I outlive everyone? What will I do if I'm the only one left? I want to enjoy life again, but I don't know how to do that.
Living with Addison as an addict we used to say was a nightmare, and it was. But I would trade that nightmare for this one without a second thought.
I knew I had led a very blessed and privileged life for 32 years, but I didn't realize how quickly that could turn into what feels like hell on earth.
I look at our last photograph together, on our last night on earth together, on New Year's Eve; we had such a good time. Every time I look at it I think, that was the last day I was TRULY happy. The day Addison died was the worst day of my life. Every day after that has been a tie for second......

If Tomorrow Never Comes

A friend of mine, that I've never met, but I know through this page sent me this today. I have said the same things in previous posts, but not as beautifully as this was written. I don't know the author or I would definitely give them credit. Thanks to my friend for sending it ♥

If Tomorrow Never Comes

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming, you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say our "I love you's", And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget, Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear, Take time to say "I'm sorry," "please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

The last words I said to Addison were "I love you." SO many times we ended a conversation with hateful ugly words. If he had died after one of "those" conversations I would regret it forever. I am thankful that isn't true for us. BUT, this is a beautifully written reminder to ALL of you, whether you have someone you love with addiction or not. This is the way we should think about EVERYONE we love, because addiction or no addiction, we are never promised tomorrow so please don't take it for granted.

Nashville Update

Ok so the Governor's Bill # 2391 was rolled to next week. If you are like me the first time I heard that I was like "what the heck does that mean??" It means that the Subcommittee did not feel that they had enough time necessary to have a full discussion regarding this bill and since we don't want to rush through it, they will "hopefully" be discussing it NEXT Tuesday - I will post the link and time.

Several GREAT things happened today though during the Health Sub-Committee. Listed below are 3 bills (all sponsored by State Rep Bill Dunn (who's sweet daughter Elizabeth went to Catholic with Addison). I will give you the bill number, and brief summary of all three. FYI - They ALL passed through sub-committee today, so that is a VERY good thing :)

HB 2568 HOSPITALS AND HEALTH CARE FACILITIES:
As introduced, requires the board for licensing health care facilities to establish a protocol by rule for hospitals, community health centers and clinics to REPORT drug overdoses by January 1, 2013.

HB 2574 CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES:
As introduced, permits the commissioner of health or certain licensing boards to suspend on an emergency basis the license of a practitioner who is under state or federal indictment involving the sale or dispensing of controlled substances.

HB 2569 CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES:
As introduced, expands responsibility to report under "doctor shopping" laws; permits hospitals access to database for certain purposes and immunizes them from liability; requires photo identification for persons picking up prescriptions; allows federal law enforcement to access database without warrant; requires real-time access for law enforcement and pharmacists; requires pain clinics to be owned by Tennessee doctors or hospitals; penalizes interference with pharmacists' decisions to fill prescriptions; requires methadone clinics to query database.

You can read the full bill summaries for each on the state website if you would like to. And if anyone would like to watch what happened today I can post the link to the archived video as soon as its available, just let me know if you want to watch.

Again thank you all for your continued support, kind words, and prayers. I am happy to have a place such as this page to share our small victories, swap stories, pray for each other, lift each other up, and talk freely about whatever we want without judgment.
This may seem silly since I do have such a wonderful family, friends, and support system - but talking with each of you and getting messages about what each of you is or has been going through and connecting together in that way has helped me tremendously in the face of the worst thing I've ever experienced.

Addison had SO many friends, he used to make fun of me and said I was a nerd because I didn't have this HUGE crowd of friends in high school. But if he could only see how many friends I have now!
Thanks and love to you all - and of course - keep sharing!
♥
Jessica

A MEMORY

A MEMORY:

On January 6th, 2009 I woke up before the sun to go to my parents house. My dad and I were going to pick up Addison from his apartment and take him to UT for his orientation. I graduated from UT and Addison wanted me to come with him because I knew my way around the huge campus. Having always been in a small private school I'm sure he just wanted a little reassurance that if I was with him he wouldn't get lost trying to get from place to place. My dad and I were both sleepy; driving to get him we talked a little about when my dad went to UT, and we were both happy that Addison would be a UT alumni too just like us.
Addison had asked that I call him and make sure he was awake before we got there - because he had SUCH a hard time waking up. I had called and called the entire 10 minute ride over and no one answered. I was getting annoyed and thought, well at least we are early since he OBVIOUSLY isn't awake, and we will still have time to get there.
I didn't have a key to Addison's apartment so was forced to stand outside in the cold of January and beat on his door with both fists trying to rouse him, hoping that I wasn't also waking every other neighbor in the vicinity.
After a few minutes Addison appeared at the front door. He was not in his pajamas, but his regular clothes, which it was apparent to me that he had slept in them so that he wouldn't have to take the time that morning to actually "get dressed." The clothes were wrinkled and unkempt - they looked like they had been slept in! But my mind pushed past how disheveled he looked when I saw his face.
This was more than "I just woke up." This was something completely different that "I'm SO not a morning person." Something was wrong. His eyes were at half mast with deep dark circles under them. He said "hey" and walked back towards his room. But he wasn't walking well. He swayed back and forth, hitting his shoulder on the door frame as he turned the corner into his room.
I was angry. I told him that I had called a hundred times and had to beat on the door for 5 minutes, and he obviously didn't look right - "What are you ON Addison?!!!!!!" His response was a slurred, "NOTHING! I don't know what you're talking about."
This was the first and one of the ONLY times that I actually SAW with my own eyes Addison not walking or talking normally. This was the first sign that he had taken something, it was drugs, it was serious, though I had no idea WHAT drug it could be.
I followed him to the bathroom and watched him slowly struggle to get toothpaste on his toothbrush, and he then proceeded to brush his teeth slowly and ineffectively. When he was finished he put both hands on the bathroom counter and bent his head down towards me. He said in a lethargic and slurred voice "Jessica, will you please brush my hair?"
I did, as the wave of sadness and panic rushed through me all at once.
I grabbed his pack back as he tried to mix hershey's syrup into a big glass of milk, spilling most of it on the counter. I stormed down the stairs with him slowly following. I threw his bag in the back seat, got in the front with my dad and screamed with a huff, "He doesn't need school, he needs REHAB!!!!!"
My dad saw it immediately and I spent the day following Addison around and seeing the fury on my dad's face. Little did I know what would happen that same night.

I have spent most of my time on this page talking about being OPEN and HONEST. My mom always says, when someone dies, it seems that they are elevated to "sainthood" and people talk only about how wonderful and loving they were, forgetting the bad memories as if they never happened. No matter what he did, none of us EVER loved Addison any less. But everything wasn't roses and daisy's. There were bad memories too. This is one of them. If I'm honest about how wonderful he truly was, I must be honest about the horrible times as well. To say that he died of a drug overdose, but only talk about how funny, and handsome, and smart he was isn't telling the whole story. We had MANY more good memories than bad, but like the rest of us, he wasn't perfect. I share this horrible memory to keep with the authenticity of my page in telling everyone NOT to be afraid to talk about their experiences. This memory was an experience of mine that I wish I never had to live - but I happened, so I must tell the WHOLE story, not just the good parts.
And I know that by telling this no one will think that it makes it any easier without him, or that for one second I love him any less because of it. I still miss him everyday, and would do anything if I could to have him back ♥

ADDISON FACTS

Facts:
Addison was not your typical "southern" guy. He didn't care much for the outdoors. Never went hunting, he only went fishing on occasion with my grandfather when he was little. He wasn't into hiking, biking, or camping.
Roughing it for Addison was staying in a hotel room that didn't have a flatscreen TV that was compatible to hook up his X-Box.
Every hotel we stayed in he would walk right in and go to the bed, lay down on it and check it's "comfort" level. :)
Addison loved water slides and amusement parks.
Addison could tell a lie, spin a tale, and manipulate anyone into believing anything he said, and that was never a good thing.
I'd give anything for the phone to ring and it be Addison. Even if it was one of those panicked "Jessica I need you!" kind of calls.
I see young guys in parking lots and gas stations and find myself staring at them thinking "that's someone's son, and maybe someone's brother, I wish it was MY brother that I'd run into."
I went to pick up my husband at the airport last week and while waiting in the car I looked at the automatic sliding doors at McGee Tyson Airport and thought, how MANY times Addison and I had waited RIGHT there with my mom while my dad went to get the car after a vacation.
Many times during Addison's battle with addiction we would scream and yell at each other on the phone. I told him I hated him. We would hang up on each other sometimes and both of us were too stubborn to call the other one back. Thank God the last week and especially the last night I had with him we never fought, and we left each other happy.
Hug your brothers and sisters every time you see them and ESPECIALLY every time you say goodbye. Don't EVER hang up the phone or leave mad, no matter how mad you are.
Don't ever use the word "hate" towards them, from experience, you will regret that one day.
I can still see Addison sweet face in my mind's eye; his big brown puppy dog eyes, and that sneaky little cheshire cat grin.
If I can figure out how to do it I plan to make another video, but not one of pictures you all have already seen. I plan to make it using my video camera, with old home movies, there isn't very much footage of him bc he was so camera shy but that way you can see him, and hear his voice, and get a small glimpse of the brother I love.

ADDISON FACTS

Facts:
Addison never paid attention to details. Ever. Like when he came home from football practice once and my mom swore he had someone else's helmet. (Well of course to Addison it was near his stuff and they all look the same anyway!) So to prove it was his he jammed it on his head and said "See!" But then it took BOTH my parents to pry his teammates helmet which was about 3 sizes too small back OFF of his head almost taking his ears with it! His response then was "well, I guess that's not mine, wonder who has mine.....?"

We recently go a Wii. My parents learned to play but there was really no point in playing against Addison in ANYTHING, especially bowling, because he would beat us at everything.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this next one, but it is really funny. Just a couple years ago we watched an episode of House and there was an actress on the show that was a midget. A little while later the same actress appeared on Law and Order, which is one of my dad's favorite shows. Addison looks up and says "Hey, she plays a midget in this show too!" I thought we all were going to die from laughing so hard, and we gave him a hard time about that one for at least a year.

Addison thought it was hilariously funny to burp in my face - I guess that's just a little brother thing, though I'm pretty sure he did that to my mom too on occasion.

Addison shared everything with everyone. His food, his games and DVD's, his clothes, I even got a message from someone that lived two doors down from him when he lived on campus that said he got locked out of his apartment once and Addison let him spend the night until the office opened the next morning and the guy could go get another key to his place.

Addison was a lighter clepto - and he didn't even mean to. But if anyone had a lighter laying around it would eventually end up in his pocket.

I thought it was hilarious when I would come over to my parents and run up to Addison's room when he was trying to sleep in on the weekends and take a flying leap and land right on top of him. He never thought that was funny.

Every time I saw Addison I would hug him and kiss him on the cheek or on the forehead and say I love you. I did the same every time we were saying goodbye.

I NEED HELP NOW!!!! START EMAILING!!!!

HELP!! 
I know I have asked you for help in the past but this is something that I have been working on since Addison died and have had no response. In this instance it DOES NOT matter WHERE you LIVE. You could live anywhere in the entire nation, or the entire GLOBE to help me in this mission.

EMAIL Dr. Drew!
I have been emailing him since January -just after Addison died. I am not a vigilante, as all of you know, but I am out to create awareness of this "PANDEMIC" as he called it tonight on his show. I will go from TN to LA, on my own accord, just to have 5 minutes on his show, which I feel is reputable.

Email Dr. Drew, as I have and tell his staff that reads his emails as I have done since about a week after Addison died that I NEED to be on that show. Please help me get there. This is something that you as ADDISON follower's can do and you DON'T have to live in TN!!!!

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Your Winter - Sister Hazel

I have this song from Sister Hazel on a CD. For some reason I was drawn to listening to it since Addison died. I've posted many songs about how I feel about Addison and songs that I put on a CD for him while he was at rehab. TODAY, I heard this again in my truck and realized for the VERY first time - if Addison could send ME a song, this is what he would say. He loved me. I keep talking about how much I loved him, but the feeling was mutual. Addison loved me so much, and he didn't want to hurt me or my family. 
Enjoy and keep sharing ♥

Sub-Committee Testimony March 13, 2012

Here is the link to my testimony yesterday morning. When you click on it you will see two boxes. One box at the bottom says "Archived Videos" above that is a search box. Type in HB2567 and it will pull up the bill presented yesterday dated March 13, on the far right of that line is the word Video written in blue. Click that to start playing. I begin my part at about the 9 minute mark.

Please do not break your computers when you listen to the Tenn Care testimony on how much this will cost. It first of all will NOT cost anymore, but to hear her put a dollar figure on my brother's life is repulsive, and I thank Rep. Mike Turner for handling that question since I was unable to respond once I had been seated.

Keep Sharing :)
http://wapp.capitol.tn.gov/apps/videowrapper/default.aspx?CommID=110

WE DID IT!!!!!

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!! Thank GOD - and thank all the members of the Health Sub-Committee, Lindsay Craig, and all of my FB friends!
HB 2567 was passed this morning and will be heard in full committee in a week or two!!!

Many people that have been watching this issue closely in several states commented that our discussion in Tennessee was the BEST they've ever seen! :)

There is still MUCH work to be done and I feel so privileged to be a part of it. This whole thing is working out JUST as God planned - like everything does. I miss Addison more than anything. I would give ANYTHING to have him back. But he did NOT die in vain. His legacy moves on through my voice, (and ALL of our collective voices) and MANY lives will be saved because of my sweet brother that I love more than anything.

I will keep working no matter what, and hopefully will have all of you by my side every step of the way. Words cannot express how I feel today. NO ONE can make this day bad!!!!! This is a great day! I am heartbroken that Addison isn't here with me to celebrate, but true to God's plan - if Addison were here, then I would never have been able to be a part of any of this. Through his death, God will use me, and all of your help and support to save lives. I guess this is the TRUE meaning of "bittersweet" - I never really got it before now.

If you did not get to watch my shaky, nervous, and emotional testimony live this morning, it will be available in the archive videos in a few hours. I will post the link as SOON as it's available.

Thank you all who wrote to the sub-committee for me, thank you all for your continued and faithful support, and thank you most of all for the prayers being sent up for me everyday through this process. God is hearing you, and answering them, and we are getting something done!!!!!

Love to you all!!!! ♥♥♥

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED YOUR HELP SOON!!!!!!!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I will be testifying in support of House Bill 2567 on Tuesday, May 13 before the House General Sub-Committee of Health.

So many people have asked me what YOU can do to helpme so here it is: I need each of you to reach out to members of the Sub-Committee and ask them to SUPPORT THE LEGISLATION. Email them!
You can find a link to all of the Sub-Committee members email addresses athttp://www.capitol.tn.gov/house/committees/sub-health.html

If you are like me and have never interacted with legislators much in the past, let reiterate to you that I have met with some of the most compassionate people who want to do the right thing for TN, for families who have lost loved ones and families who are battling addiction today.
Send them each an email, and introduce yourself, tell them about your personal experience or the experiences you have seen through loved ones and friends. Let them know WHY you are writing (To SUPPORT HB 2567 and any other legislation that will help to get these pills off the street!)

Especially if you are a resident of TN, please include your full name and address at the bottom of the email. Without letters of support, there is a possibility that this legislation might not pass! It is critical for legislators to know that this won’t help just a few families, but THOUSANDS!

Studies show that half of people who abuse prescription pain medicines do so by crushing and snorting them (as my brother did) or dissolving or melting and injecting them. This is a very dangerous practice, and it contributes to a large percentage of overdose deaths related to abuse of these vital medicines.

In an effort to help prevent this, pharmaceutical companies are developing TAMPER RESISTANT forms of these medicines that deter people from misusing them by creating it in a form that cannot be altered and can only be ingested orally, as intended. As these medications become available, health care providers may start prescribing them to provide an extra measure of protection for their patients, and for anyone who might steal these medications from those patients.

Unfortunately, once generic opioids come to market, they will not be required to adopt the same tamper resistant technologies. Therefore, we need to support safeguards that will guarantee that tamper resistant opioids will be dispensed when they are prescribed and create incentives for generic drug manufacturers to adopt similar technologies.

HB 2567 and SB 3003 WOULD DO JUST THIS.

This legislation would require the TN Board of Pharmacy to develop a list of opioids that have been developed to deter tampering with a product. It would also require the pharmacist to fill a prescription with a tamper resistant product if that is what the Doctor prescribed.
We believe that prescribers who intend for their patients to use tamper-resistant formulations should NOT have that decision altered by pharmacies. Allowing a substitution with a NON tamper resistant product would undermine efforts by prescribers to protect their patients and anyone else who might obtain these medications for purposes of abuse. HB 2567 will ensure that prescribers' wishes are followed.

Please TAKE ACTION today!

Contact members of the House General Sub-Committee of Health today and ask them to support HB 2567 on Tuesday.

You can access a link to members email addresses at:http://www.capitol.tn.gov/house/committees/sub-health.html.

I need your help! If Addison had not altered the medication he took, he would still be alive today. We need this bill to pass, and I need you! Please send an email to everyone on this list, and if you can, comment on this post and let me know if you have done it. We don't have a lot of time, so this needs to be a priority, which I know all of you are aware of how important this is. Thank you so much - I will be reposting this again and again over the next few days - PLEASE share this post with EVERYONE you know.

We can make a difference here. We can help SO many people, and prevent others from experiencing the tragedy that I have, of losing my baby brother. SO many of you have suffered the same loss, lets come together and help in the process of stopping this from happening to others.

Thank you all so very much,
Jessica

House General Sub-committee of Health - TN General Assembly

www.capitol.tn.gov

A Video of Me and Addison - Enjoy

WONDERFUL NASHVILLE UPDATE!!!

Today has been one of my best days since I lost Addison. My mother and I were escorted by a FABULOUS TN lobbyist, and new friend Ms. Lindsay Craig throughout, around, up, down, and everywhere in between the State Capitol building today. It was by far the busiest day I have had in the last two months, both exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.
HUGE thanks not only to Lindsay for ALL her help, but to Endo Pharmaceuticals for allowing me to help in the passing of this bill. I must also thank each person working in the legislative system that took the time to meet and talk with us today:
Senator Doug Overbey
Representative Bill Dunn
Senator Randy McNally
Senator Roy Herron
Representative Mike Turner
Representative Sherry Jones
Representative Ryan Haynes
Representative Glen Casada
Representative Matthew Hill

See how busy we were!!! Lindsay introduced us to COUNTLESS others in the hallways coming to and from our meetings and we were greeted and accepted with such kindness and sensitivity.
I will be testifying for Endo Pharmaceuticals next Tuesday, March 13.
Throughout the day, and especially on our ride home, God has really started to reveal His plan to me through all of this. Though it doesn't make me miss Addison ANY LESS, I will miss him everyday for the rest of my life - there IS a reason for such a tragedy, and it will be used for good. Addison had hoped to graduate with a degree in Psychology and one day become a therapist in order to help others. I am sure that he would have been great at that, and would have enjoyed it, and would have impacted many lives. But what I am realizing is, though he died at such a young age and it seems that he never had the chance to fulfill that goal - through his death and the doors that have been opened for me through the legislative system, Addison is now going to be able to EXPONENTIALLY increase the number of lives that he impacts by "saving their lives." Of course my mother and I are the ones running around everywhere, but it is BECAUSE of Addison, and the TIMING of Addison's death that will allow him to do a greater work than he could have ever achieved on earth. God is going to use HIS life, HIS story, HIS addiction, HIS death, and MY voice to help SO many people.
Changes are coming, and I hope that all of you will continue to share this page, and my brother's name - ADDISON, and be as happy and hopeful as I am today that this WILL make a difference. This is such an opportunity, and it is only the FIRST step, of many steps to come.

Like I have said before, I am not and have NEVER been ashamed of my brother because of his addiction. I am PROUD of him for fighting as hard as he did against it.

PLEASE remember - if we don't TALK about this epidemic that probably has or is affecting at least one person that you know, we CAN'T FIX IT.
DO NOT BE ASHAMED OF ADDICTION!!!!! I am so happy for the emails and messages I have received from so many people sharing their personal stories with me, some of them sharing it for the very first time because the shame that surrounds addiction has kept them silent. PLEASE don't be silent anymore! Talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to your pastors, talk to me! I answer EACH and EVERY email or message I get because people fighting this battle need to be heard, without judgment, but with care, love, and compassion.

I will continue to let you all know how things are going as they progress, but my final thank you is to EVERYONE on this page, and everyone that has and continues to share it. The awareness that we have created JUST by being here and talking about it is making a difference already. Our collective voices ARE being heard! :)))))
Thank you for ALL the prayers - God has obviously heard each and everyone of them.
Today, more than ever, I can look at one of the many pictures I have of Addison (and though he cannot hear me) I can smile and say "I'm proud of you bro. We are getting ready to do something big me and you; You really are going to make a difference - bigger, and better, and farther reaching than you could have ever imagined...."

PETER GABRIEL, "I Grieve" ~ art and videography by T. Louisa

This needs no real explanation

ADDISON FACTS

Facts:
Addison graduated from Knoxville Catholic High School in 2008
He wanted to study Psychology at UT, after he figured out Business was really boring (I have my Minor in Business, I TOLD him he would hate it!)
I'm not exactly sure what I will do when it's time to renew my phone. I have texts from Addison that I would never want to lose, especially the ones that say I love you.
Addison was EXCELLENT at paintball. After many years of playing he joined the UT team his freshman year. He used to always try to teach me "the finger roll" which I was never really good at :)
He loved Reese Cups and Oreo cookies
Everything that would require or have a possibility of needing dressing was DRENCHED in Ranch
At Christmas at the Atlantis he and my husband and dad would have ping pong tournaments when the tables were free next to the pool
I got out home movies a few weeks ago because I desperately wanted to hear his voice. I remembered then how camera shy he was, he would duck every time the camera was pointed at him.
I have no videos of us together
When there was a movie theatre across the street from our neighborhood I used to go as his "guardian" for movies he wasn't old enough to see
I realized the other day his toothbrush is still in the guest bathroom
In the very near future will be the first time that my husband goes out of town and I don't have Addison to come stay with me
A few weeks after he returned from rehab I had him come with me and pick out two trees to plant in my back yard. The ground back there is so hard and rocky, that I was holding the hose to wet the soil, and he was shoveling as hard as he could. He would later go home to tell my mom "Well, we got them in the ground, but I didn't have the heart to tell her they weren't gonna make it" Today those trees (one planted for me, and one for him - right next to each other) are HUGE. Mine is bigger than his, but they have grown and are strong enough now to stand on their own. I find it ironic when I look at them now that they are "Weeping Willows"
When we move from this house those trees will be the hardest thing to leave behind

NASHVILLE

I will be traveling Tuesday evening to Nashville for the second time with my mother. We will be meeting Ms. Lindsay Craig, a TN State Lobbyist to prepare for my upcoming testimony on behalf of Endo Pharmaceuticals which will take place on March 13th. A huge thanks to Lindsay and Endo, for allowing me to help in this very important change. The creation of a Tamper Resistant formula of Opana will drastically reduce the accidental overdose deaths nation wide. Our hope and goal is that other Pharmaceutical Manufacturers will follow the lead of Endo to produce ALL narcotics, AND the generic form of them in a TAMPER RESISTANT form.
I will let you all know how everything goes when I return!Keep sharing :)

A MEMORY

A MEMORY:
After a long tiring day of training at the gym, working out myself, riding my horse, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and taking a shower, I get a phone call. Ughh, I don't want to do ANYTHING else today. But, it's Addison. "Hey, whatcha doin?" I say "nothing, it's been a long day, I'm on the couch." "Well, I REALLY need help with this stupid paper so can I come over and spend the night with you?" Of course my response is "I guess" (thinking, great, now I'll never get to bed). I sit on the front porch, wrapped in a blanket, already in my pajamas, smoking a cigarette. From a mile in the distance I hear this deep, low, thumping sound. It gets louder as it approaches, though I can't see the Black Ford Explorer yet. I smile and think, Gosh how is he not deaf yet? Addison pulls into my driveway with his keys in hand, which hang from a UT lanyard. He is clad in pajamas too, a pair of flannel pants with a GIANT whole in the upper right thigh, which he doesn't care to have fixed or just plain throw away, because as he says "they are SOOOOOO comfortable." He wears his flip flops even though its freezing outside, along with a T-shirt and hoodie. From the back seat he grabs his school clothes for the next day and his huge backpack. He doesn't need toiletries as he has his own bathroom at my house with everything that is already his kept inside. He walks towards me, smiles and says "Hey!" and I respond in the same manner. After happily greeting each of my dogs one at a time and throwing his clothes and backpack on the kitchen table, he settles in on the couch with me. He watches sports or a sports related television show on ESPN 24/7 but at my house he is content to watch my real life crime shows and even The Golden Girl reruns without complaining. It takes a while to remind him that he came over to do HOMEWORK. He starts and is silently working at the kitchen table until he realizes that suckering me into making a fresh batch of homemade mashed potatoes will be a cinch just by saying "got anything to eat?" When I answer by saying "nothing that you would like...." He knows he's got me by saying "Well I guess you better get to work on those potatoes then because I can't do all this homework without food and you know you love me sooooooooo much." And he is right, it gets me every time. I'm tired, not in the mood to edit a paper much less start cooking, but for Addison I do it anyway. When I am finished boiling, mashing, and making sure they have the correct amount of all the right ingredients I take the first spoonful straight from the pot and carry it to him at the table. I put it up to his face as he slowly takes the fresh-off-the-stove potatoes and SLOWLY closes his mouth around the spoon, and pulls his face away leaving the spoon in my hand dishwasher clean. He closes his eyes for a second and smiles, not having swallowed them yet. Then looks at me and says "mmmmmmmm, those are PERFECT, as usual." He gets a bowl from the cabinet which he fills with about 4 servings worth of potatoes, plus about 2 tablespoons of Country Crock, though they already have a LOAD of butter in them. He pops it in the microwave even though they just came off the stove, and heats them again so the butter is melted and they are piping hot. He forgets to pour a colossal glass of Mayfield Milk, which I do for him. He sits down and continues his work while enjoying the potatoes I made just for him.

This memory, which I can't seem to write in the past tense is so vivid because it happened almost exactly like that so many times. The rest of the night was spent staying up late waiting for him to finish writing so I could edit his paper. Watching him fall asleep on the couch while I finished adding the header, footer, page numbers, title page, and printing two copies of it for him - just in case. He would leave the next morning after MANY attempts to wake him. He would give me a hug and a kiss at the door and thank me over and over again for helping him. And I would tell him "your welcome, I love you too."

This came to me last night before the storm. I was sitting on the porch, wrapped in a blanket, smoking a cigarette, WISHING I could hear that deep low thumping coming down the street a mile away........

ADDISON FACTS

Facts:
Today is March 2nd. Today makes 2 months. In about 30 minutes from now, two months ago, my mom found Addison in his room. Ice Cold.
I will probably hate the second of every month for the rest of my life.
The other day while I was on the computer I found a paper Addison had emailed me to edit for his Western Civ class at UT. It was about Christopher Columbus, as was dated November 29, 2011. It was very hard to read the words on the screen that he had typed himself. HIS words, that I was correcting as I did SO many times.
Every time I leave the house I see a black Ford Explorer, which is what Addison drove, and he LOVED his truck.
I also see an ambulance every time I'm out. I didn't have the horror of following the ambulance to the hospital as my parents did, but I can only imagine how terrible that was.
In the past few weeks we have received his final death certificate, his autopsy report, and a letter from the donor association.
It is hard to read your brothers death certificate, especially since I have seen his birth certificate so many times with his tiny little foot prints on it.
It's even harder to read his autopsy report. I wanted to have it, to have proof that it was a drug overdose, though we KNEW that. But you don't expect to read how much every organ in your baby brother's body weighs. They said he had an enlarged heart - I could have told them that! His heart I guess was literally as big as it was figuratively.
The only thing viable to donate was Addison's eyes. He had the MOST beautiful, HUGE, big brown puppy dog eyes. It was the prettiest thing about him. I was happy to learn the transplant went well and someone is seeing through Addison's eyes at this very moment. They wrote in the letter that he had led someone from darkness into light, which was true about his spiritual walk while he was alive.
I miss Addison so much everyday that it affects my body physically. I hurt everywhere, inside and out. 
Addison had the BEST laugh, maybe it seems better now that he is gone. What I WOULDN'T GIVE to hear it again!
Addison was more than my baby brother, he was one of my best friends - he would have told you the same about me.