Hello all,
I created this blog many months ago, when my trusty facebook page wasn't working for over a week. I thought at the time that it would be a good supplement to facebook, because not everyone is ON Facebook! But I didn't have much response on the blog. It seemed like I was posting, and posting, but no one was listening, and definitely no one was responding.
For whatever reason, I have been getting several blog posts lately that I wanted to respond to. The blog has grown somewhat so I just wanted to let everyone know that I will begin again, posting the same information on the blog page, as well as the facebook page.
Thank you for everyone that is here.
Since basically what I do is post on FB, then copy it to the blog, for many it will be like picking up a book and starting to read it right in the middle - sorry about that! If you have any questions about what in the world I am talking about - please ask!
We are coming up on our first Christmas without my brother, Addison. Our first New Year's without Addison, and then the dreaded "one year anniversary" of his death on January 2.
Right now I have been posting about a guy that my mom and I visit in the Fentress County Jail, and a couple of others that have been incarcerated for prescription drug related charges that I write letters to.
Please ask me anything! I am an open book about Addison, his addiction, death, and everything else that has happened to us since he died.
I haven't had a question yet that is too personal, so please don't hesitate to ask anything you like.
<3
Jessica
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
ADDISON FACTS
Facts:
I always have spoken about Addison and I in regards to how opposite we were. But the more I think about it there were many things that we had in common.
FEARLESS: From the time he was a little boy all the way up until adulthood, together we would ride any ride or attraction at any amusement park. No roller coaster was too large, too fast, or too scary. No water slide too high, no "side of the road" attraction too dangerous looking. We both jumped at the chance to try most anything.
BOLD: Addison and I both said exactly what we believed. He would spar with his teachers when he thought they were wrong, and was never afraid to say exactly what was on his mind. I'm sure most of you have figured that out about me.
OUTGOING: Addison had TONS of friends. I didn't have nearly as many when I was younger, but that changed the older I got. Addison was friends with EVERYONE from the time he was in Kindergarten. He had to repeat Kindergarten when he was small because they didn't think he was quite ready to go on to first grade, and on the first day the parents were in the class with their children. My mom started to wonder when the THIRD mother in a row said, "WE are so happy to be in this class because Addison is here." Every message I have received from people that he knew said that Addison was friends with EVERYONE he met. No matter what "group" in school they belonged to, or just the "new" kid in class, he was the first to befriend them.
SENSITIVE: Like myself, Addison was a lot more sensitive at heart than he would ever want anyone to know. Being tough on the outside, and gushy on the inside was a trait we both shared.
LOVING: My genuine love for ALL people was something Addison had as well. He worried over people who were having a hard time, and always wanted to help. He was quick to say "I Love You," and it was genuine. When we say I Love You, we mean it.
PATIENCE: NO ONE in my immediate family has this except for my dad. Mom, Addison and I were always known for having very little of this important fruit of the spirit.
LOVE FOR ME: As much as I always talked about Addison, and worried about Addison, and LOVED him to the depth of my soul, he was the same way about me. I knew this already, but since his death I have received COUNTLESS messages saying "he talked about his sister ALL the time" or "he showed me FB pictures of you" and "he loved you SO much, and told everyone." Not that I didn't know he felt the same way that I did, it is always very comforting since his death to hear people tell me that. It just reaffirms that our feelings were mutual, we were closer than any two siblings I know, even with our age difference.
I will miss Addison everyday for the rest of my life, but as his friend told me yesterday: "Try not to think about all the years of your life that you will live without him. Remember the great years you had, but more importantly, the ETERNITY you will get to spend together one day. Forty or even Fifty more years apart, is NOTHING compared to forever...."
I always have spoken about Addison and I in regards to how opposite we were. But the more I think about it there were many things that we had in common.
FEARLESS: From the time he was a little boy all the way up until adulthood, together we would ride any ride or attraction at any amusement park. No roller coaster was too large, too fast, or too scary. No water slide too high, no "side of the road" attraction too dangerous looking. We both jumped at the chance to try most anything.
BOLD: Addison and I both said exactly what we believed. He would spar with his teachers when he thought they were wrong, and was never afraid to say exactly what was on his mind. I'm sure most of you have figured that out about me.
OUTGOING: Addison had TONS of friends. I didn't have nearly as many when I was younger, but that changed the older I got. Addison was friends with EVERYONE from the time he was in Kindergarten. He had to repeat Kindergarten when he was small because they didn't think he was quite ready to go on to first grade, and on the first day the parents were in the class with their children. My mom started to wonder when the THIRD mother in a row said, "WE are so happy to be in this class because Addison is here." Every message I have received from people that he knew said that Addison was friends with EVERYONE he met. No matter what "group" in school they belonged to, or just the "new" kid in class, he was the first to befriend them.
SENSITIVE: Like myself, Addison was a lot more sensitive at heart than he would ever want anyone to know. Being tough on the outside, and gushy on the inside was a trait we both shared.
LOVING: My genuine love for ALL people was something Addison had as well. He worried over people who were having a hard time, and always wanted to help. He was quick to say "I Love You," and it was genuine. When we say I Love You, we mean it.
PATIENCE: NO ONE in my immediate family has this except for my dad. Mom, Addison and I were always known for having very little of this important fruit of the spirit.
LOVE FOR ME: As much as I always talked about Addison, and worried about Addison, and LOVED him to the depth of my soul, he was the same way about me. I knew this already, but since his death I have received COUNTLESS messages saying "he talked about his sister ALL the time" or "he showed me FB pictures of you" and "he loved you SO much, and told everyone." Not that I didn't know he felt the same way that I did, it is always very comforting since his death to hear people tell me that. It just reaffirms that our feelings were mutual, we were closer than any two siblings I know, even with our age difference.
I will miss Addison everyday for the rest of my life, but as his friend told me yesterday: "Try not to think about all the years of your life that you will live without him. Remember the great years you had, but more importantly, the ETERNITY you will get to spend together one day. Forty or even Fifty more years apart, is NOTHING compared to forever...."
ANSWERED PRAYERS
After a night of complete defeat and despair begging God to PLEASE help me, today I was blessed in immeasurable ways. First I got a gift from my FB friend Stephanie Craft who sent me a Beth Moore book a beautiful CD and a precious card. Thank you so much Steph love you!!!!! Then unexpectedly one of Addison's friends showed up at my moms house. A young man who has walked a similar path as Addison, but has literally been "snatched up" by the Lord and has completely changed his life. We talked for several hours about such deep and spiritual topics that i cant even put into words. God sent this precious boy to us and used him to uplift us tremendously. I left feeling like i had been touched by an angel and has given us a great attitude before mom and i leave for our impromptu trip. Thank God for both of these people today who He used to answer my prayers and all of the prayers you all said for me last night. My body feels lighter, my heart isnt aching, and my mind is resting. Thank you ALL for everything. Much love ♥ Jessica
WE'RE GETTIN OUT OF HERE!
Mom and I have been laying in bed with Addisons dog and we've decided we're packing our bags. We leave Monday for Kitty Hawk Island for sand, ocean, sun, and fabulous room service. The room is also equipped with free wireless internet so we can still talk. ♥
TO MY FEARLESS FRIEND
This morning I have a story to tell. One that angers me tremendously. I have been speaking and promoting honesty on Addison's page to try and break the chain of embarrassment and SHAME that is attached to the already horrible disease.
Yesterday, a friend of mine that I met on this page took a VERY brave step. This person had suffered from pill addiction for years, but has been clean for almost 5 years and is doing very well now, which I am SO happy about. But the fear and shame about being honest about the past kept this person out of doctors and dental offices and really any medical care facility. But yesterday, they decided they really did need a family physician and went for their first appointment. With great COURAGE this person decided to tell the doctor about their past. Everything. This took GUTS and I am very proud of this step this person took, and I am sure it was very scary.
What I HATE is that after overcoming this fear and shame and telling the doctor about this history, he looked at this person (not in the eye of course) and his demeanor totally changed. He was hostile, accusatory, and treated my friend like a dog. Mind you, the person wasn't asking for medication, but just telling the truth. I don't even think the doctor believed that my friend has been clean for the last 4 and half years.
I got a message about what had happened; my friend was hurt, ANGRY, upset for being treated like a "sub-human" and they went back about 3 minutes after leaving the parking lot and made sure that the office KNEW they would NEVER return to that office.
I felt horrible and extremely proud all at the same time. I HATED that my friend had this experience after taking such a bold and brave move. I hated knowing that the main reason this person decided to be so brave was because I myself have been screaming that for months, and then THAT is what happened. I hope that this will not deter them from being that brave in the future. Everyone here has been so supportive of me when things didn't turn out legislatively the way I wanted them to, and I got so many posts and messages of DON'T QUIT!!!! It was very helpful and encouraging to me to hear this from all of you.
This person needs that today, and probably many others do to. I didn't want to share this to scare others from being honest about their own past, or current situation with a loved one, but just to show you ONE of the reason's people become so ashamed of this disease. I'm not sure how to stop it, unless I can convince everyone to take on my philosophy of "just tell it like it is, and don't give a DAMN what anyone else thinks" and if they don't like what they hear, then they can "bleep ba bleep bleep bleep!!!" But that's just me, and I'm not sure if I can get everyone on board with that one! lol
I just want to recognize this person for BRAVERY, HONESTY, and COURAGE, and hope that you all will do the same. Because of having small children this person wishes to remain anonymous so when you post on here to encourage them just address them as FEARLESS FRIEND - they WILL read it, I promise.
And to everyone else: Please follow this person's lead. You may get a compassionate, understanding set of ears, or you may get the crap my friend got. But either way, like my friend felt yesterday after all was said and done - they vowed to NEVER allow someone to shame them like that again, and will continue to be honest about it in the future. Like you ALL have told me, it may not work out the way you want it the first or even second time, but DON'T QUIT.
Wow I'm in a mood today- my Cymbalta must really be kicking in!! :)
Much Love ♥
Jessica
Yesterday, a friend of mine that I met on this page took a VERY brave step. This person had suffered from pill addiction for years, but has been clean for almost 5 years and is doing very well now, which I am SO happy about. But the fear and shame about being honest about the past kept this person out of doctors and dental offices and really any medical care facility. But yesterday, they decided they really did need a family physician and went for their first appointment. With great COURAGE this person decided to tell the doctor about their past. Everything. This took GUTS and I am very proud of this step this person took, and I am sure it was very scary.
What I HATE is that after overcoming this fear and shame and telling the doctor about this history, he looked at this person (not in the eye of course) and his demeanor totally changed. He was hostile, accusatory, and treated my friend like a dog. Mind you, the person wasn't asking for medication, but just telling the truth. I don't even think the doctor believed that my friend has been clean for the last 4 and half years.
I got a message about what had happened; my friend was hurt, ANGRY, upset for being treated like a "sub-human" and they went back about 3 minutes after leaving the parking lot and made sure that the office KNEW they would NEVER return to that office.
I felt horrible and extremely proud all at the same time. I HATED that my friend had this experience after taking such a bold and brave move. I hated knowing that the main reason this person decided to be so brave was because I myself have been screaming that for months, and then THAT is what happened. I hope that this will not deter them from being that brave in the future. Everyone here has been so supportive of me when things didn't turn out legislatively the way I wanted them to, and I got so many posts and messages of DON'T QUIT!!!! It was very helpful and encouraging to me to hear this from all of you.
This person needs that today, and probably many others do to. I didn't want to share this to scare others from being honest about their own past, or current situation with a loved one, but just to show you ONE of the reason's people become so ashamed of this disease. I'm not sure how to stop it, unless I can convince everyone to take on my philosophy of "just tell it like it is, and don't give a DAMN what anyone else thinks" and if they don't like what they hear, then they can "bleep ba bleep bleep bleep!!!" But that's just me, and I'm not sure if I can get everyone on board with that one! lol
I just want to recognize this person for BRAVERY, HONESTY, and COURAGE, and hope that you all will do the same. Because of having small children this person wishes to remain anonymous so when you post on here to encourage them just address them as FEARLESS FRIEND - they WILL read it, I promise.
And to everyone else: Please follow this person's lead. You may get a compassionate, understanding set of ears, or you may get the crap my friend got. But either way, like my friend felt yesterday after all was said and done - they vowed to NEVER allow someone to shame them like that again, and will continue to be honest about it in the future. Like you ALL have told me, it may not work out the way you want it the first or even second time, but DON'T QUIT.
Wow I'm in a mood today- my Cymbalta must really be kicking in!! :)
Much Love ♥
Jessica
Saturday, April 14, 2012
THE ONLY CHILD
The Only Child…..
During my first ten years, I always felt alone,
I had two loving parents, and a wonderful, happy home,
But what I was missing was very soon to be shown,
A new baby brother, to call my very own,
I was so excited the day that you were born,
A little baby Addison, perfect in form,
I played with you, and helped care for you,
Doing as much as I could possibly do,
But this wasn’t a job or a chore,
I did it all because I wanted to,
I loved your baby laugh and beautiful brown eyes,
I saw your first steps, and heard your infant cries,
Things you wouldn’t remember, because you were unaware,
But I remember them all, because through them all, I was there.
I watched you grow into a boy, and then into a young man,
Through all those years together, I was there to hold your hand,
I taught you so many things, and you were always by my side,
It was you and I together, and on each other, we relied.
You brought joy and so much laughter into all of our lives,
We were one united family, even when we cried,
Your smile, and charm and intellect can never be compared,
But those were things I’ve found, that with everyone you shared.
At some point in your life you made a terrible mistake,
With this path you traveled, you put everything at stake,
Our family tried everything, to get our Addison back,
We did everything we could to get you back on track.
You realized eventually, that the choice you made was wrong,
You battled hard against it, and fought hard to be strong,
But in the end, you lost your fight, and the Lord took you Home,
And once again I found myself, so terribly alone.
I was there when your beautiful soul drifted into this world,
And I was there when it drifted out.
Now I’m trying to face this world, knowing what I am without.
I know you knew I loved you, with every piece of my heart,
I still cry up to the heavens asking WHY we had to part,
For now, I long for the day when I will see your smiling face,
And I know you will be waiting for me at those Heavenly gates.
All that remains of you are the memories in my head,
The visions of your laugh and voice I hear when lying in bed,
I will never forget holding your hand for the very last time,
Realizing how life can change, can end, and can turn on a dime.
I will spend the rest of my days doing God’s will,
Trying to help others, and save them from pills,
Everyday of my life you will never leave my mind,
Many will be painful, for you leaving me behind.
After 22 years, I am again the only child,
And hopefully one day I can think of you and smile,
Forever you live in Heaven, and are as happy as a lark,
And I will wear a necklace, carrying your ashes, near my heart.
Jessica Sharp Akhrass
April 14, 2012
During my first ten years, I always felt alone,
I had two loving parents, and a wonderful, happy home,
But what I was missing was very soon to be shown,
A new baby brother, to call my very own,
I was so excited the day that you were born,
A little baby Addison, perfect in form,
I played with you, and helped care for you,
Doing as much as I could possibly do,
But this wasn’t a job or a chore,
I did it all because I wanted to,
I loved your baby laugh and beautiful brown eyes,
I saw your first steps, and heard your infant cries,
Things you wouldn’t remember, because you were unaware,
But I remember them all, because through them all, I was there.
I watched you grow into a boy, and then into a young man,
Through all those years together, I was there to hold your hand,
I taught you so many things, and you were always by my side,
It was you and I together, and on each other, we relied.
You brought joy and so much laughter into all of our lives,
We were one united family, even when we cried,
Your smile, and charm and intellect can never be compared,
But those were things I’ve found, that with everyone you shared.
At some point in your life you made a terrible mistake,
With this path you traveled, you put everything at stake,
Our family tried everything, to get our Addison back,
We did everything we could to get you back on track.
You realized eventually, that the choice you made was wrong,
You battled hard against it, and fought hard to be strong,
But in the end, you lost your fight, and the Lord took you Home,
And once again I found myself, so terribly alone.
I was there when your beautiful soul drifted into this world,
And I was there when it drifted out.
Now I’m trying to face this world, knowing what I am without.
I know you knew I loved you, with every piece of my heart,
I still cry up to the heavens asking WHY we had to part,
For now, I long for the day when I will see your smiling face,
And I know you will be waiting for me at those Heavenly gates.
All that remains of you are the memories in my head,
The visions of your laugh and voice I hear when lying in bed,
I will never forget holding your hand for the very last time,
Realizing how life can change, can end, and can turn on a dime.
I will spend the rest of my days doing God’s will,
Trying to help others, and save them from pills,
Everyday of my life you will never leave my mind,
Many will be painful, for you leaving me behind.
After 22 years, I am again the only child,
And hopefully one day I can think of you and smile,
Forever you live in Heaven, and are as happy as a lark,
And I will wear a necklace, carrying your ashes, near my heart.
Jessica Sharp Akhrass
April 14, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
MY ADDICTION APPARENTLY - THE COMPUTER
Guess what MY addiction is???? All of you on Addison's Page!! My mom is going to read this so - sorry mom! I just had to say hello to everyone. And I figure, what's wrong with saying hi, I'm in the BED, and I don't have anything else to do on my weekend of rest! Thank you all for your posts of encouragement yesterday. I still feel a bit weird physically, but mentally and emotionally I already feel better - it's weird, but in a very good way.
I KNEW that I needed to go to the doctor, and that I HAD to do something when I found out that I couldn't go to my horse show this weekend because my horse Cleo has an abscess in her foot (very normal with all this stupid RAIN!) and she isn't going to be ready to go in time. And my response was - "Oh Well"
When I showed up yesterday, at my doctor, who treats my ENTIRE family, he said, "I was wondering when I was going to see you- I've seen everyone else, and I was beginning to worry about you." He asked me what was going on and I said, "well, You'll understand this (bc he's been my doctor for so long) Yesterday I found out that I can't go to my first horse show of the year and I DON'T CARE." He asked if I had been working out, and when I said, NO, and I don't care about that either, he said "Ok You're depressed! That is NOT normal for you!" I've got the number one symptom of depression, (and rightfully so, considering everything that's happened,) not giving a damn about your most favorite things and activities.
As many of you know I promote complete honesty on this page, and many times there is a stigma about taking an anti-deprressant even though so many people take them. Sooooo, HEY WORLD! I'M ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT!!! I needed something, and it was either this, or curl up and die in my bed. Not that I don't long to see Addison more than anything, but apparently I have A LOT to do still on this earth.
Thank you ALL for supporting me through the most AWFUL experience I believe anyone could ever go through. Obviously all of you are helping because I CAN'T stay away from you!
Just wanted to say hello, and let you know I appreciate you all, and will now return to "resting" - but I will secretly be checking my phone for your comments on this post (shhhh)
♥
I KNEW that I needed to go to the doctor, and that I HAD to do something when I found out that I couldn't go to my horse show this weekend because my horse Cleo has an abscess in her foot (very normal with all this stupid RAIN!) and she isn't going to be ready to go in time. And my response was - "Oh Well"
When I showed up yesterday, at my doctor, who treats my ENTIRE family, he said, "I was wondering when I was going to see you- I've seen everyone else, and I was beginning to worry about you." He asked me what was going on and I said, "well, You'll understand this (bc he's been my doctor for so long) Yesterday I found out that I can't go to my first horse show of the year and I DON'T CARE." He asked if I had been working out, and when I said, NO, and I don't care about that either, he said "Ok You're depressed! That is NOT normal for you!" I've got the number one symptom of depression, (and rightfully so, considering everything that's happened,) not giving a damn about your most favorite things and activities.
As many of you know I promote complete honesty on this page, and many times there is a stigma about taking an anti-deprressant even though so many people take them. Sooooo, HEY WORLD! I'M ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT!!! I needed something, and it was either this, or curl up and die in my bed. Not that I don't long to see Addison more than anything, but apparently I have A LOT to do still on this earth.
Thank you ALL for supporting me through the most AWFUL experience I believe anyone could ever go through. Obviously all of you are helping because I CAN'T stay away from you!
Just wanted to say hello, and let you know I appreciate you all, and will now return to "resting" - but I will secretly be checking my phone for your comments on this post (shhhh)
♥
CAN'T GET NORMAL
Ok well being "normal" didnt last long. I dont know why i thought i could just make myself be okay. I had plans for today, none of which I did. I'm not going to my horse show this weekend and Im not even upset. I cant explain this feeling. Im not nervous. I just feel like im still in a nightmare. How could i have done so well and now feel lime im back at the beginning again? I dont understand how anyone ever survives this.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
ADDISON'S OVERDOSE
December 25, 2011
My parents, my husband, Addison, my mom's best friend and I all pile in our surburban in the middle of the night to drive from Knoxville to the Atlanta airport. We have found over the years that traveling ON Christmas Day is so easy as far as airports are concerned, and started doing that several years ago. We listened to the CD that I have of Caribbean music and were all excited as usual to get there and hear it in person.
That week was wonderful. My mom and her friend had a room, my husband and I had a room, and Addison stayed in a room with my dad. They were all right next to each other, and when we were there and getting ready to do something we would just leave our doors propped open and come and go into each others rooms freely.
We ate, we played in the casino, we played games, we went to the Junkanoo parade, we laid in the sun, Addison and my husband frequented all the water slides on the Atlantis property, and every night Addison was in our room playing Xbox with Sam until about 1 or 2 in the morning. We've made friends with the Bahamian people over the years and we visited an AIDS camp that is there with our friend Larry, who is in charge of all the jet ski's and water sports on the beach. His church looks after the people at that camp, and we took them two huge bags worth of supplies. That was to be our Christmas, bc when we go to the beach we don't exchange gifts among ourselves. The beach IS our present, and the time we get to spend together, except of course for the Madden 2012 Xbox game that Addison convinced me to buy for him before we left.
I never want to leave Nassau, it is our favorite place to be. New Years Day we returned home. Sam and I had a fight the day we left and the whole ride home from Atlanta back to Knoxville I spent sulking in the back. I never spoke a word that three hour ride home. That is my ONLY regret about Addison. I WASTED my LAST three hours with him on this earth. Allowing myself to harbor anger that had nothing to do with him, I stayed silent and just listened to everyone else talk. That will probably haunt me forever - I had three hours with him, in a car, where all we had was time, to be together and to talk, and I WASTED it.
We parted ways in my driveway around 8pm. I hugged Addison goodbye and told him I loved him, but I was still angry, and it wasn't a hug like I would normally have given. It was too quick, too rushed, I didn't squeeze him and hold him for a minute like I ALWAYS do.
That night Addison sat on the end of my parents bed and talked with them. He had gone to Sonic to get something to eat, and while eating his grilled cheese sandwich he talked about school, and how he was looking forward to going back. He told my dad he was going to go back with him to Bible Study Fellowship the very next Monday. My parents said that was the best hour they've spent with him in a long time. I'm jealous of that hour they got, knowing what I did with my last hours. He went to bed happy and said "wake me up the morning mom so we can go get Sadie!" He was so excited to go pick up his dog that he got in rehab, who had been at the vet while we were at the beach.
For whatever reason, my mom went to check on him in his room around 10:30pm. She normally would not do this, but in thinking back she thought she heard the back door open and close. He was in his recliner watching Sports Center when she went up, and he smiled and seemed happy. They said goodnight and mom returned back downstairs to go to sleep.
January 2, 2012
Mom said she went bounding up the stairs that morning to wake Addison to go get his dog. She saw him in his recliner and called to him to get up, but there was no response. She wasn't worried, as it was normal for it to take a lot to wake Addison. She went to him and shook him a little, and still no response. Then she placed her hand on the side of his face, and it was COLD. She knew. God I don't know how she must have felt, but she knew, Addison was gone.
She screamed for my dad who came running. He pulled Addison out of the recliner and attempted CPR while my mom called 911. She called my grandfather and her best friend, both of which live just 2 miles away.
The paramedics came and carried Addison down the stairs wrapped up in a sheet. One of them lost their grip and dropped the top half of Addison's body on the marble floor in the kitchen right in front of my mom. They intebated him and hooked him up to a heart monitor. Mom said she saw three little blips on the screen and thought maybe there was some hope, but after that it was just a flatline. They wouldn't allow my mom to ride in the ambulance with him.
About 10:00am my husband's cell phone rang. I was unpacking in the bathroom, still sad about having to leave Nassau behind. I heard him calmly say, "okay, I understand, okay, we'll be there soon." I thought, Who in the world was that??? Then he came and said "we have to go to the hospital right now, it's Addison." Of course the old panic mode I used to always have about him kicked in as I tried to get dressed as fast as I could but it was hard because I was shaking so bad. I kept saying "what happened!!" over and over. I even said "did he overdose?" But my mind left that thought because I reminded myself, "no way! he's been clean for 6 months!" Even after all we had been through over the last 4 years I still couldn't imagine what had happened, and I spent the whole car ride saying "what if he dies? what if he dies????"
Running into the ER I saw my whole family in a room. My mom in a wheelchair and as I entered the door she looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen and just simply said "he's dead"
The scream I let out was animalistic. It wasn't human sounding and it was probably heard throughout the whole hospital. My legs collapsed underneath me and my body staring flailing out of control. My grandfather and Sam had to hold me down. It felt like if I had any more adrenaline in my body I would literally explode. Everyone was sobbing, but I had broken free from my restrainers and was pacing the room like a caged Tiger screaming "how did this happen!!!!" repeatedly, until that changed to "this is NOT happening!" over and over again. It was THE WORST feeling I have ever experienced. It makes every other feeling of panic and fear that I've ever had in my entire life seem like NOTHING. NOTHING compares to that feeling.
They let us go back to ROOM ONE where his body was for a little while before they came to take him to UT for the autopsy. We cried over him. I kissed his face a thousand times and held his cold hands. We gave permission to donate his beautiful brown eyes, bc that was the only thing left that was viable to donate. Once the transport came, we had to leave. We had to let him go, and we all looked at each other like "now what?" It was so horrible when they just looked at us and said "now, you go home."
We've spent everyday since then trying to cope with not only that day, but trying to live ourselves without Addison.
Many of you are new to the page, and even those that aren't maybe weren't here early enough to hear exactly what happened to Addison. Most just know that he died, but there is so much more to the story than that, so here it is. Addison had been clean for 6 months. For the first time in a long time, had had some money, left over from our vacation. He had plans for his future and was excited about it, but that money was burning a hole in his pocket, and the addiction called to him so strongly he couldn't say no. I KNOW that even though it probably wouldn't have turned out this way, in his mind he thought "I'll just do this ONE more time, and then be done with it."
It was just one more time, it was the LAST time, and he died of respiratory depression from an overdose of OPANA. He went to sleep, and just never woke up....
My parents, my husband, Addison, my mom's best friend and I all pile in our surburban in the middle of the night to drive from Knoxville to the Atlanta airport. We have found over the years that traveling ON Christmas Day is so easy as far as airports are concerned, and started doing that several years ago. We listened to the CD that I have of Caribbean music and were all excited as usual to get there and hear it in person.
That week was wonderful. My mom and her friend had a room, my husband and I had a room, and Addison stayed in a room with my dad. They were all right next to each other, and when we were there and getting ready to do something we would just leave our doors propped open and come and go into each others rooms freely.
We ate, we played in the casino, we played games, we went to the Junkanoo parade, we laid in the sun, Addison and my husband frequented all the water slides on the Atlantis property, and every night Addison was in our room playing Xbox with Sam until about 1 or 2 in the morning. We've made friends with the Bahamian people over the years and we visited an AIDS camp that is there with our friend Larry, who is in charge of all the jet ski's and water sports on the beach. His church looks after the people at that camp, and we took them two huge bags worth of supplies. That was to be our Christmas, bc when we go to the beach we don't exchange gifts among ourselves. The beach IS our present, and the time we get to spend together, except of course for the Madden 2012 Xbox game that Addison convinced me to buy for him before we left.
I never want to leave Nassau, it is our favorite place to be. New Years Day we returned home. Sam and I had a fight the day we left and the whole ride home from Atlanta back to Knoxville I spent sulking in the back. I never spoke a word that three hour ride home. That is my ONLY regret about Addison. I WASTED my LAST three hours with him on this earth. Allowing myself to harbor anger that had nothing to do with him, I stayed silent and just listened to everyone else talk. That will probably haunt me forever - I had three hours with him, in a car, where all we had was time, to be together and to talk, and I WASTED it.
We parted ways in my driveway around 8pm. I hugged Addison goodbye and told him I loved him, but I was still angry, and it wasn't a hug like I would normally have given. It was too quick, too rushed, I didn't squeeze him and hold him for a minute like I ALWAYS do.
That night Addison sat on the end of my parents bed and talked with them. He had gone to Sonic to get something to eat, and while eating his grilled cheese sandwich he talked about school, and how he was looking forward to going back. He told my dad he was going to go back with him to Bible Study Fellowship the very next Monday. My parents said that was the best hour they've spent with him in a long time. I'm jealous of that hour they got, knowing what I did with my last hours. He went to bed happy and said "wake me up the morning mom so we can go get Sadie!" He was so excited to go pick up his dog that he got in rehab, who had been at the vet while we were at the beach.
For whatever reason, my mom went to check on him in his room around 10:30pm. She normally would not do this, but in thinking back she thought she heard the back door open and close. He was in his recliner watching Sports Center when she went up, and he smiled and seemed happy. They said goodnight and mom returned back downstairs to go to sleep.
January 2, 2012
Mom said she went bounding up the stairs that morning to wake Addison to go get his dog. She saw him in his recliner and called to him to get up, but there was no response. She wasn't worried, as it was normal for it to take a lot to wake Addison. She went to him and shook him a little, and still no response. Then she placed her hand on the side of his face, and it was COLD. She knew. God I don't know how she must have felt, but she knew, Addison was gone.
She screamed for my dad who came running. He pulled Addison out of the recliner and attempted CPR while my mom called 911. She called my grandfather and her best friend, both of which live just 2 miles away.
The paramedics came and carried Addison down the stairs wrapped up in a sheet. One of them lost their grip and dropped the top half of Addison's body on the marble floor in the kitchen right in front of my mom. They intebated him and hooked him up to a heart monitor. Mom said she saw three little blips on the screen and thought maybe there was some hope, but after that it was just a flatline. They wouldn't allow my mom to ride in the ambulance with him.
About 10:00am my husband's cell phone rang. I was unpacking in the bathroom, still sad about having to leave Nassau behind. I heard him calmly say, "okay, I understand, okay, we'll be there soon." I thought, Who in the world was that??? Then he came and said "we have to go to the hospital right now, it's Addison." Of course the old panic mode I used to always have about him kicked in as I tried to get dressed as fast as I could but it was hard because I was shaking so bad. I kept saying "what happened!!" over and over. I even said "did he overdose?" But my mind left that thought because I reminded myself, "no way! he's been clean for 6 months!" Even after all we had been through over the last 4 years I still couldn't imagine what had happened, and I spent the whole car ride saying "what if he dies? what if he dies????"
Running into the ER I saw my whole family in a room. My mom in a wheelchair and as I entered the door she looked at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen and just simply said "he's dead"
The scream I let out was animalistic. It wasn't human sounding and it was probably heard throughout the whole hospital. My legs collapsed underneath me and my body staring flailing out of control. My grandfather and Sam had to hold me down. It felt like if I had any more adrenaline in my body I would literally explode. Everyone was sobbing, but I had broken free from my restrainers and was pacing the room like a caged Tiger screaming "how did this happen!!!!" repeatedly, until that changed to "this is NOT happening!" over and over again. It was THE WORST feeling I have ever experienced. It makes every other feeling of panic and fear that I've ever had in my entire life seem like NOTHING. NOTHING compares to that feeling.
They let us go back to ROOM ONE where his body was for a little while before they came to take him to UT for the autopsy. We cried over him. I kissed his face a thousand times and held his cold hands. We gave permission to donate his beautiful brown eyes, bc that was the only thing left that was viable to donate. Once the transport came, we had to leave. We had to let him go, and we all looked at each other like "now what?" It was so horrible when they just looked at us and said "now, you go home."
We've spent everyday since then trying to cope with not only that day, but trying to live ourselves without Addison.
Many of you are new to the page, and even those that aren't maybe weren't here early enough to hear exactly what happened to Addison. Most just know that he died, but there is so much more to the story than that, so here it is. Addison had been clean for 6 months. For the first time in a long time, had had some money, left over from our vacation. He had plans for his future and was excited about it, but that money was burning a hole in his pocket, and the addiction called to him so strongly he couldn't say no. I KNOW that even though it probably wouldn't have turned out this way, in his mind he thought "I'll just do this ONE more time, and then be done with it."
It was just one more time, it was the LAST time, and he died of respiratory depression from an overdose of OPANA. He went to sleep, and just never woke up....
Saturday, April 7, 2012
THANK GOD FOR DR. DEE
Just so you all know I WILL be meeting this man. This DOCTOR. This physician who REMEMBERS his oath of FIRST, do no harm, he even quotes it in the article. He works for the same practice as my own family physician who is a WONDERFUL doctor, and friends with my husband. They don't work at the same location, but I KNOW my doctor will call him and set something up.
Thank GOD for Dr. Dee, and all that he believes in. We need more doctors like him, PLEASE read the article, it's short, but to the point. We need him on our side, and I am confident that I can get that ♥
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.knoxnews.com%2Fnews%2F2012%2Fapr%2F07%2Fdr-jonathan-dee-jr-doctors-must-rein-in-drug-for%2F&h=MAQEQNwfcAQGtz2D_-nO1tDTti1zUqscvJ1rxpeF0LLgF3Q
Thank GOD for Dr. Dee, and all that he believes in. We need more doctors like him, PLEASE read the article, it's short, but to the point. We need him on our side, and I am confident that I can get that ♥
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.knoxnews.com%2Fnews%2F2012%2Fapr%2F07%2Fdr-jonathan-dee-jr-doctors-must-rein-in-drug-for%2F&h=MAQEQNwfcAQGtz2D_-nO1tDTti1zUqscvJ1rxpeF0LLgF3Q
NEW LEGISLATIVE PLAN
Okay everyone - I've thought a prayed about what to do next regarding this whole legislative issue. And I have a PLAN - but I'm going to need everyone's help for this to work so I hope that you will be with me on this.
We are going to wait silently until the beginning of May, when they are out of session, and begin to think they are safe from the likes of me, then we are going to ATTACK.
Once a week, I will write a letter, to each member of the Health and Human Resources SubCommittee and FULL Committee. Each week the letter will be a little different, but still expressing the same general idea: SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. It will be filled with facts to educate them on how horrible this situation is.
What I will need you to do is, EVERY WEEK, COPY my letter. Feel free to ADD anything that you would like about what you have experienced personally, but I want the beginning to be identical, and have the same continuity throughout. Add photo's of your loved one's or anything else that is meaningful to you or feel will have an impact.
Then, ONCE A WEEK, for the next EIGHT MONTHS, until they get back to work in Nashville, each member will receive ALL of these letters from ALL of us. I can give you everyone's email, but also in the Blue Book for this year is listed everyone's HOME ADDRESS. Email's are great, but EASY to skip over, so actual LETTERS that they have to open and read are better. I know some weeks will be busier than others, and all you can do is copy and paste my letter in an email and that's fine, but if you can do both an email AND a letter, of the SAME thing, as often as you can, that would be the best.
We are going to have to BLAST them with information. Let them know we are NOT going away. Tell them that they WILL do something. This will take some effort on everyone's part, but I feel that those that have lost someone, or are battling with addiction right now feel passionately enough about it to join me in this. Obviously MY voice alone is not enough. I need everyone.
And someone commented the other day when I was freaking out that I would come back at this STRONGER. I guess they deduced that from reading everything I have written but they are EXACTLY RIGHT. That is WHO I am, and WHAT I do, but I NEED ALL OF YOU TO HELP.
It's a commitment I know- but WHO IS WITH ME??????
I hope this post gets more comments than ANYTHING I've ever written on here.
I appreciate each and EVERY one of you, and if we join together, they CAN'T ignore us forever. Love to you all!!!! ♥
We are going to wait silently until the beginning of May, when they are out of session, and begin to think they are safe from the likes of me, then we are going to ATTACK.
Once a week, I will write a letter, to each member of the Health and Human Resources SubCommittee and FULL Committee. Each week the letter will be a little different, but still expressing the same general idea: SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. It will be filled with facts to educate them on how horrible this situation is.
What I will need you to do is, EVERY WEEK, COPY my letter. Feel free to ADD anything that you would like about what you have experienced personally, but I want the beginning to be identical, and have the same continuity throughout. Add photo's of your loved one's or anything else that is meaningful to you or feel will have an impact.
Then, ONCE A WEEK, for the next EIGHT MONTHS, until they get back to work in Nashville, each member will receive ALL of these letters from ALL of us. I can give you everyone's email, but also in the Blue Book for this year is listed everyone's HOME ADDRESS. Email's are great, but EASY to skip over, so actual LETTERS that they have to open and read are better. I know some weeks will be busier than others, and all you can do is copy and paste my letter in an email and that's fine, but if you can do both an email AND a letter, of the SAME thing, as often as you can, that would be the best.
We are going to have to BLAST them with information. Let them know we are NOT going away. Tell them that they WILL do something. This will take some effort on everyone's part, but I feel that those that have lost someone, or are battling with addiction right now feel passionately enough about it to join me in this. Obviously MY voice alone is not enough. I need everyone.
And someone commented the other day when I was freaking out that I would come back at this STRONGER. I guess they deduced that from reading everything I have written but they are EXACTLY RIGHT. That is WHO I am, and WHAT I do, but I NEED ALL OF YOU TO HELP.
It's a commitment I know- but WHO IS WITH ME??????
I hope this post gets more comments than ANYTHING I've ever written on here.
I appreciate each and EVERY one of you, and if we join together, they CAN'T ignore us forever. Love to you all!!!! ♥
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
NO TEARS TODAY
As I mentioned earlier the meeting with the Congressman was really good. When I came home I was exhausted. I didn't sleep very much, but did get completely engrossed in a really stupid lifetime movie. Then I got up to let the dogs out and started to panic - though at first I didn't know why. I came inside and sat on the couch and looked at Addison's picture. I said to him "I haven't cried about you today Addison. In fact I spent a big portion of the day and didn't even think about you."
Isn't this what I've been wanting? To have almost a full day where I can think about anything BUT Addison? I did that today. And all of a sudden I felt such horrible guilt. I didn't cry about him, I didn't even think about him for several hours in a row. I know I shouldn't feel guilty if this means that I actually might be getting a little better. That's what I've wanted and I KNOW that's what Addison would want. But I really feel like I'm having a panic attack because I'm not crying about him. It's the weirdest feeling I've ever had.
Pray for healing, you start to maybe see a glimpse of it, and then you feel guilty for the answered prayer? Doesn't make much sense does it? I've been thinking about it for a little while now, still not any calmer, but can't figure out why there seem to be no tears today and feel horrible that they just aren't there.
I know a lot of you have suffered loss so I thought I would mention this to see if it's normal to some degree or am I really losing it now? ♥
Isn't this what I've been wanting? To have almost a full day where I can think about anything BUT Addison? I did that today. And all of a sudden I felt such horrible guilt. I didn't cry about him, I didn't even think about him for several hours in a row. I know I shouldn't feel guilty if this means that I actually might be getting a little better. That's what I've wanted and I KNOW that's what Addison would want. But I really feel like I'm having a panic attack because I'm not crying about him. It's the weirdest feeling I've ever had.
Pray for healing, you start to maybe see a glimpse of it, and then you feel guilty for the answered prayer? Doesn't make much sense does it? I've been thinking about it for a little while now, still not any calmer, but can't figure out why there seem to be no tears today and feel horrible that they just aren't there.
I know a lot of you have suffered loss so I thought I would mention this to see if it's normal to some degree or am I really losing it now? ♥
MEETING THE CONGRESSMAN
The meeting with Congressman Duncan went great. He is just as nice as everyone said he would be. I was complimented on my letter I sent to him and was told i did a great job making a clear and concise outline of what needs to be done. Mr. Duncan is going to call Governor Haslam PERSONALLY :) He said that i gave him a vast education on our problem in a very short amount of time. Now it is time for more homework for all of you. And its an easy one: START PRAYING! The legislative system in nashville is wrapping up for the year VERY SOON and we need something done IMMEDIATELY. I fully believe that Duncan will make that call, but we need to pray that he does it SOON like today or tomorrow bc if he is too late, then our time will run out to get some laws put into place this year and we'll have to wait. I know that NONE of us wants to or can afford to wait any longer. So start praying friends that he will pick up that phone SOON! Thank you all, im going back to bed now- those meetings just WEAR ME OUT! I appreciate all of you so much. Much love ♥ Jessica
MEMOIR INTRODUCTION
Ok I'm not going to post everything that's in the book on FB - bc, then it wouldn't be a book! But I did just finish writing the introduction and wanted to share it with you to see what you thought. BE HONEST - but kind.... :)
introduction
I wanted to tell everyone first and foremost why this book was written. My name is Jessica, and I am no one special, but I do have a story to tell. I am a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, and for 22 years, I was a sister. This story is about my brother Addison. Addison was ten years my junior, but despite the age difference we were as close as any two siblings could possibly be. Throughout this book I will describe who Addison was, because he was a wonderful person who I love more than anything. But mostly this book is about Addison’s addiction.
I decided to write this book for two reasons. One reason is that I believe it will be therapeutic for me personally. But more importantly I am writing this in the hopes that this story will help others. I would never want what has happened to my family to ever happen to anyone else, though I know for a fact that it is, even I as sit here typing this sentence.
Many have said, and will say, that what happened to my brother was a tragedy; that it was a waste; so unfortunate; so unfair. But what happened to Addison is not uncommon; it is just uncommon for people to talk about it openly. I am trying to break that chain of silence and shame that so many people carry with them regarding their addictions, or the addiction of a loved one. There are many myths about addiction that hopefully I will be able to replace for you with the facts.
I graduated from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville in 2002 with two degree’s in Advertising and Marketing. I loved studying these subjects in school, but hated working in these fields in the real world. I moved on to become a personal trainer for the past 6 years, which was a job that I loved. But throughout the ten years since I graduated college, I have always felt like something was missing. Since I was not using the two degrees that my parents shelled out so much money for me to obtain, I knew there was something “important” that I was supposed to be doing, but I could never seem to figure out what that “something” was. I know what it is now. God has shown me first hand what it is. It took the worst event of my entire life for God to reveal it to me, and that important something, I will now reveal to you……
introduction
I wanted to tell everyone first and foremost why this book was written. My name is Jessica, and I am no one special, but I do have a story to tell. I am a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, and for 22 years, I was a sister. This story is about my brother Addison. Addison was ten years my junior, but despite the age difference we were as close as any two siblings could possibly be. Throughout this book I will describe who Addison was, because he was a wonderful person who I love more than anything. But mostly this book is about Addison’s addiction.
I decided to write this book for two reasons. One reason is that I believe it will be therapeutic for me personally. But more importantly I am writing this in the hopes that this story will help others. I would never want what has happened to my family to ever happen to anyone else, though I know for a fact that it is, even I as sit here typing this sentence.
Many have said, and will say, that what happened to my brother was a tragedy; that it was a waste; so unfortunate; so unfair. But what happened to Addison is not uncommon; it is just uncommon for people to talk about it openly. I am trying to break that chain of silence and shame that so many people carry with them regarding their addictions, or the addiction of a loved one. There are many myths about addiction that hopefully I will be able to replace for you with the facts.
I graduated from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville in 2002 with two degree’s in Advertising and Marketing. I loved studying these subjects in school, but hated working in these fields in the real world. I moved on to become a personal trainer for the past 6 years, which was a job that I loved. But throughout the ten years since I graduated college, I have always felt like something was missing. Since I was not using the two degrees that my parents shelled out so much money for me to obtain, I knew there was something “important” that I was supposed to be doing, but I could never seem to figure out what that “something” was. I know what it is now. God has shown me first hand what it is. It took the worst event of my entire life for God to reveal it to me, and that important something, I will now reveal to you……
LETTER TO ADDISON
Big A,
I went to see my therapist Annabel two days after you died. We had talked about you before, when I had gone to see her and she knew how much I loved you and how worried I was about you all the time. She was very upset for me when I called her and told her you were gone. As I knew she would, she told me to write a letter to you, just to get everything out. I knew it would be a while before I was able to do this, and I wasn't sure what the point was at the time because you and I never left anything unsaid. But Annabel is almost ALWAYS right.
But today, which is April 2, is the third month anniversary of your death. You have been gone from my life for the last 92 days. Today I am going to start writing a book about you, and about us. I'm going to talk about things that if you were here, you would really be embarrassed about. But I am not embarrassed or ashamed of you.
I want you to know how proud I am of you for fighting so hard against your addiction. I know you tried SO hard. I know that you didn't want to be that way. I think I will always be a little mad at you for taking that very first pill, and I will ALWAYS be mad at that kid (you know who) who gave it to you. But I know that it was a mistake, and we ALL make mistakes, and you took that first pill having NO idea how serious it would become.
We spent so many hours, and so much energy trying to figure out a way to help you. I wish you would have called me when you were struggling. You promised me that you would, but you never did. I know that you didn't call because you didn't want to disappoint me or make me mad at you. But I desperately wish that you had at least given me the chance to help you when you really needed it, instead of trying to deal with that beast all by yourself.
The day that you died was our worst nightmare come true. If you could have only seen how wild I was in that hospital. Orbin and Sam had to hold me down. Poor mom was in a wheelchair, and Susie was crying, which we both know she rarely does. The scream that came out of my mouth when mom told me you were dead didn't sound human. It was so loud and out of control, and it sounded like some kind of wild animal. It sure didn't sound like my voice. Dad was in a chair sobbing; he was crying for you Addison, worse than either of us has ever seen Dad cry before. Orbin went and picked up Mimi from work, she could barely walk on her own when he led her into the emergency room.
I called Amanda, and she and Billy and Robin came to the hospital. Susie called John and he came too. Some of us went back into Room 1 to see you. John couldn't go. He was your best friend since 6th grade and he couldn't see you like that, and didn't want to remember you like that, but NOTHING was going to stop me from going to see you.
You looked just the same, except you were cold. I inspected you everywhere, though I'm not sure why. They had a tube down your throat and when they asked if we wanted to donate your beautiful eyes we said yes, and they had to cover them with an ice pack. After a short while they told us we had to leave, because the transport people had come to take you to UT to have your autopsy. They had to FORCE me to leave because I didn't want to let go of you.
Everyday since then has been terrible. None of us know what to do without you. Sadie is very sad, and she looks for you all the time. She goes up into your room, and she doesn't eat or play very much. She gets excited when John comes over though, you know how much she liked him. Mom told me yesterday that Lou Ellen is letting John get his own dog. He will bring her over to play with Sadie I'm sure.
I don't remember the month of January. It's like a big blank spot in my mind. All I know is the last three months have been the worst time of ALL of our lives. I don't think you ever knew HOW many people loved you.
I started getting messages on FB immediately from all of your friends talking about how wonderful you were, and how much they are going to miss you.
I've been working really hard since you left. I'm trying to make sure this doesn't keep happening to more and more people. If you saw me today, you wouldn't believe what I look like. You'd NEVER believe I spent so many hours at the gym before. I lost 12 pounds immediately after you died and barely weighed 100 pounds. I've gained some of it back from Sam force feeding me, but have lost all of my muscle. You can count every rib and every vertebrae, and my hip bones protrude more than normal.
I can't put into words how much I miss you. There AREN'T words to say how much. Mom and Dad aren't doing well. Dad is trying really hard to get through tax season, which you know is hard on a regular basis. Mom is doing the best she can, but like me, a lot of times we can't get out of the bed. I know that you wouldn't want us to be this way, but we can't help it. We just really thought you were going to be okay.
Sometimes I scream and cry and roll around in the floor. Sometimes I just chain smoke and stare off into space for LONG periods of time. I don't see much of my friends unless they come over to my house. I've lost a couple of friends, which is terrible, but I've gained a lot of new ones which is wonderful. Oh, and I got a tattoo of an upper case A on my lower back! And don't worry it's off to one side, and not right in the middle, I know how you felt about those kind of tattoos.
When I go to mom and dad's, I can't help but go up into your room sometimes. Mom has closed the door and as soon as I walk in, the smell of you is so apparent. Sometimes I lay on your futon and smell your pillows, and blankets, and clothes. I took some of your hats home, and some sweatshirts. Mom gave me the pillow you were sleeping on when you died and I have slept on it every night since. She wanted to keep your favorite UT blanket.
You always wanted to help people A, and you are. You aren't here, but you are still helping them. I'm hoping that through me, people ALL over will know the name ADDISON.
The hole that is in my heart needs to start to close up. I know it will scar, but now it's just a huge open wound, and it's really hard to live with it like that. I don't know how to live the rest of my life without you. I really did think that we would grow old together. I am an only child again, and I don't like that at all. I'm happy that you aren't struggling anymore though, and I know you will be right there, waiting on me, when my time comes.
I can't say goodbye to you, and I can't "move on," and I can't "let go." But I do have to learn to live again. I have to learn to work out, and take care of myself, and enjoy riding Cleo again. I have my first horse show at Dene's in two weeks, so I have a lot to do to get ready for that. Sam needs me, and mom and dad need me. What makes me the saddest is the YOU don't need me anymore. You are safe now. A lot of times when you would call me the FIRST thing you would say is "Jessica I need you!!!" Everyone, especially women, want to feel needed, and you always made me feel that way; needed.
There is so much more I could say. I could write for hours probably. I'm not going to say goodbye, but see ya later. I love you to the moon and back A, and I'll miss you everyday until I see you again.
With all the love in my heart,
Jessica
I went to see my therapist Annabel two days after you died. We had talked about you before, when I had gone to see her and she knew how much I loved you and how worried I was about you all the time. She was very upset for me when I called her and told her you were gone. As I knew she would, she told me to write a letter to you, just to get everything out. I knew it would be a while before I was able to do this, and I wasn't sure what the point was at the time because you and I never left anything unsaid. But Annabel is almost ALWAYS right.
But today, which is April 2, is the third month anniversary of your death. You have been gone from my life for the last 92 days. Today I am going to start writing a book about you, and about us. I'm going to talk about things that if you were here, you would really be embarrassed about. But I am not embarrassed or ashamed of you.
I want you to know how proud I am of you for fighting so hard against your addiction. I know you tried SO hard. I know that you didn't want to be that way. I think I will always be a little mad at you for taking that very first pill, and I will ALWAYS be mad at that kid (you know who) who gave it to you. But I know that it was a mistake, and we ALL make mistakes, and you took that first pill having NO idea how serious it would become.
We spent so many hours, and so much energy trying to figure out a way to help you. I wish you would have called me when you were struggling. You promised me that you would, but you never did. I know that you didn't call because you didn't want to disappoint me or make me mad at you. But I desperately wish that you had at least given me the chance to help you when you really needed it, instead of trying to deal with that beast all by yourself.
The day that you died was our worst nightmare come true. If you could have only seen how wild I was in that hospital. Orbin and Sam had to hold me down. Poor mom was in a wheelchair, and Susie was crying, which we both know she rarely does. The scream that came out of my mouth when mom told me you were dead didn't sound human. It was so loud and out of control, and it sounded like some kind of wild animal. It sure didn't sound like my voice. Dad was in a chair sobbing; he was crying for you Addison, worse than either of us has ever seen Dad cry before. Orbin went and picked up Mimi from work, she could barely walk on her own when he led her into the emergency room.
I called Amanda, and she and Billy and Robin came to the hospital. Susie called John and he came too. Some of us went back into Room 1 to see you. John couldn't go. He was your best friend since 6th grade and he couldn't see you like that, and didn't want to remember you like that, but NOTHING was going to stop me from going to see you.
You looked just the same, except you were cold. I inspected you everywhere, though I'm not sure why. They had a tube down your throat and when they asked if we wanted to donate your beautiful eyes we said yes, and they had to cover them with an ice pack. After a short while they told us we had to leave, because the transport people had come to take you to UT to have your autopsy. They had to FORCE me to leave because I didn't want to let go of you.
Everyday since then has been terrible. None of us know what to do without you. Sadie is very sad, and she looks for you all the time. She goes up into your room, and she doesn't eat or play very much. She gets excited when John comes over though, you know how much she liked him. Mom told me yesterday that Lou Ellen is letting John get his own dog. He will bring her over to play with Sadie I'm sure.
I don't remember the month of January. It's like a big blank spot in my mind. All I know is the last three months have been the worst time of ALL of our lives. I don't think you ever knew HOW many people loved you.
I started getting messages on FB immediately from all of your friends talking about how wonderful you were, and how much they are going to miss you.
I've been working really hard since you left. I'm trying to make sure this doesn't keep happening to more and more people. If you saw me today, you wouldn't believe what I look like. You'd NEVER believe I spent so many hours at the gym before. I lost 12 pounds immediately after you died and barely weighed 100 pounds. I've gained some of it back from Sam force feeding me, but have lost all of my muscle. You can count every rib and every vertebrae, and my hip bones protrude more than normal.
I can't put into words how much I miss you. There AREN'T words to say how much. Mom and Dad aren't doing well. Dad is trying really hard to get through tax season, which you know is hard on a regular basis. Mom is doing the best she can, but like me, a lot of times we can't get out of the bed. I know that you wouldn't want us to be this way, but we can't help it. We just really thought you were going to be okay.
Sometimes I scream and cry and roll around in the floor. Sometimes I just chain smoke and stare off into space for LONG periods of time. I don't see much of my friends unless they come over to my house. I've lost a couple of friends, which is terrible, but I've gained a lot of new ones which is wonderful. Oh, and I got a tattoo of an upper case A on my lower back! And don't worry it's off to one side, and not right in the middle, I know how you felt about those kind of tattoos.
When I go to mom and dad's, I can't help but go up into your room sometimes. Mom has closed the door and as soon as I walk in, the smell of you is so apparent. Sometimes I lay on your futon and smell your pillows, and blankets, and clothes. I took some of your hats home, and some sweatshirts. Mom gave me the pillow you were sleeping on when you died and I have slept on it every night since. She wanted to keep your favorite UT blanket.
You always wanted to help people A, and you are. You aren't here, but you are still helping them. I'm hoping that through me, people ALL over will know the name ADDISON.
The hole that is in my heart needs to start to close up. I know it will scar, but now it's just a huge open wound, and it's really hard to live with it like that. I don't know how to live the rest of my life without you. I really did think that we would grow old together. I am an only child again, and I don't like that at all. I'm happy that you aren't struggling anymore though, and I know you will be right there, waiting on me, when my time comes.
I can't say goodbye to you, and I can't "move on," and I can't "let go." But I do have to learn to live again. I have to learn to work out, and take care of myself, and enjoy riding Cleo again. I have my first horse show at Dene's in two weeks, so I have a lot to do to get ready for that. Sam needs me, and mom and dad need me. What makes me the saddest is the YOU don't need me anymore. You are safe now. A lot of times when you would call me the FIRST thing you would say is "Jessica I need you!!!" Everyone, especially women, want to feel needed, and you always made me feel that way; needed.
There is so much more I could say. I could write for hours probably. I'm not going to say goodbye, but see ya later. I love you to the moon and back A, and I'll miss you everyday until I see you again.
With all the love in my heart,
Jessica
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Meeting with Congressman Duncan :)
I will be meeting with United States Congressman Duncan in his Knoxville office on Tuesday :)
I went to middle school with his daughter, and he actually lives in my parents neighborhood, but I dropped off a packet at his office a while back with all of my concerns in it. The same packet I have been leaving with EVERY Senator and State Representative that I have met.
His secretary called today and said that he received it, and after reading it that he "REALLY wanted to meet with me"
This is wonderful news - keep sharing ♥
I went to middle school with his daughter, and he actually lives in my parents neighborhood, but I dropped off a packet at his office a while back with all of my concerns in it. The same packet I have been leaving with EVERY Senator and State Representative that I have met.
His secretary called today and said that he received it, and after reading it that he "REALLY wanted to meet with me"
This is wonderful news - keep sharing ♥
THE TRUTH
Ok all, I just want to get a couple things straight. I'm not preaching to anyone, and definitely don't want to offend anyone but from some posts I've seen lately, I need to say something the is the TRUTH.
When I spoke at Addison's High School on Monday, on of the things that I did was present to the kids a short list of MYTHS and FACTS about addiction, and especially opiate addiction. The number 2 MYTH was that if an addict sees enough destruction from the use of pills, such as losing a job, losing friends, going to jail, or watching others die from it, that it will WAKE THEM UP. (this is a MYTH) it's a myth because to us, as non-addicts it just makes plain sense!!! But the FACT is: even though they see and experience all of these horrible things happening to THEM and others around them due to pills, it's NOT going to make them quit.
Now, this doesn't include EVERYONE, because there have been people that made a decision to get help, or quit using because they themselves had a realization of what could happen. But IN GENERAL the whole "WAKE UP" thing does not happen, and I'll tell you why.
Addison stole money from my parents. (He would NEVER have done that before) Addison saw 3 of his friends die, and one of his best friends I took him to the funeral and made him stand right in front of the casket and told him that if he died, that I would die too. Not having done my research on Opiate addiction I thought that seeing his friends death before his very eyes would make him quit. It did NOT of course.
Since then I have learned a TON about opiate addiction and what it actually does to their brains. Though seeing stuff like that and having horrible things happen to them because of their actions, does make them feel bad; horrible in fact. It is not enough to make them quit using just because of what they may have seen. They are people just like everyone else. They DO feel sadness, they DO feel shame, they do realized that they are doing these things TO themselves. They get that probably better than we do, as the non-addicts that love them.
However, there is something working in them that is SO much STRONGER than that. Something that will NOT just let them WAKE UP and stop before it's too late. It all has to do with brain chemistry. I told the students at Catholic about DOPAMINE, which is naturally occurring in everyone's brain. It is a neurotransmitter that gives you your sense of "pleasure." When you take pills, your brain is FLOODED with dopamine, as much as 5-10 times the normal level. Over time, by artificially raising the dopamine level in your brain, your brain actually becomes "rewired" to think that extremely high level of dopamine is NORMAL. It actually changes parts of your brain chemistry FOREVER. The addict then REQUIRES more and more of the artificial dopamine just to feel NORMAL. They would love to feel that same high they had in the beginning of using, and spend a lot of time and energy "chasing it." But eventually their changed brains NEED the dopamine from the drug, JUST LIKE WE ALL NEED FOOD. It's that primal of a need. Their brains are telling their bodies, "if you don't get more of that, your body will DIE." Thats where the desperation and the "doing things they would NEVER do before" comes in.
I presented everything at Catholic, in front of the Medical Examiner who performed Addison's autopsy - a VERY intelligent Dr. and scientist, and did not disagree with ANYTHING I said.
So - that's why they can't just stop, that's why they can't just WAKE UP, their brains have been altered - and unfortunately that brain change is irreversible. To say it's that way forever sounds like no one can ever overcome addiction - which we all know is not true. MANY people can overcome it. BUT bc of the brain changes, that is why it is SO DAMN HARD for them. There is a 50/50 chance that a CLEAN addict, will crave an opiate for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. They can do it, they can stay clean, but it's a struggle for them, and it's not an easy life. That's why I have such admiration for those that are clean and stay clean, because they have fought and continue to fight such a HUGE battle, and they should be applauded for it.
One more thing - PRAYER does work. Sounds funny since my Addison is dead doesn't it? We all prayed for him for YEARS, and ran around like crazy people trying to help him and God took him anyway. To some that sure doesn't sound like prayer works! But here is the deal: Gods ways are NOT our ways. God is going to do, what God is going to do- PERIOD. He listens to EVERY prayer and he answers them in HIS timing NOT ours. Some people have prayed for the SAME thing for over TEN freakin years, and FINALLY they get the answer. In HIS time, not ours.
It was God's plan all along to take Addison. He knew he would take Addison on January 2, 2012 before the creation of the universe. There was NOTHING we could have done to stop it.
So all of you fighting right now and praying like warriors, don't think because things haven't gotten better that prayer doesn't work. It's just that God pretty much gets His way oh, about EVERYTHING. We don't have to LIKE it, but we DO have to accept it. He knows EVERYTHING, and everything he does, like taking my brother from me, which sounds and FEELS like such a tragedy, He will work out for everyone's benefit. We don't know how. We don't know why - that's where FAITH comes in.
How has Addison's death benefitted ANYONE? Well, first though I would take it back in a second - my family was living in a nightmare trying to help him. Now, we know where he is and we don't worry about him anymore.
Second, ADDISON was STRUGGLING so hard everyday. God knew, that Addison would continue to struggle, so he just took him on Home, where there is no more struggle.
Third, through losing Addison, God has changed me spiritually in ways that I can't even explain. For years I had a difficult time understanding what "surrender to God" meant. My dad tried to teach me for like a decade - but I thought, well I don't know HOW to do that, and furthermore, I don't want to!!! Boy do I know now. It's like God took a look at me and said "You don't want to surrender your life to me? You say you don't know how? Well I'm going to show you...and he took my Addison away (which was for Addison's good) and God shoved my face in the dirt - so that I wasn't just on my knees in surrender, I was on my FACE. Then he picked me back up and said "THAT is what surrender means, and now that you know, I'm going to make your faith stronger than it has ever been in your entire life." I refused to surrender, and God FORCED me to - and that was for my benefit.
Finally - ALL OF YOU!!!! No one can tell me that the relationships that I have made with all of you hasn't been for ALL of our benefit!!! If Addison were still here, then I would never have met or talked with ANY of you. We wouldn't have a community place where we can talk to each other honestly and cry together, and pray for each other, and WORK on actually getting something done here!!!!
God just sees the BIG picture, and we see a teeny tiny little piece of our own pie. You must TRUST him, that HE KNOWS what is best. If you are in the middle of fighting an addiction yourself, or with someone you love, it is SO HARD to trust Him. I only WISH I had the faith THEN, that I do now. So PLEASE keep praying, God DOES hear you. And please keep sharing with each other on this page, and writing to me. Meeting and talking with all of you has been one of the biggest blessings I have received from losing Addison. I don't have a sibling anymore, but I have 3,310 NEW family members. How many people can say that?
I love you all, and God has changed me so much that I can't believe I just wrote all of that in the midst of losing the most important person in my life - that's how much HE knows, that we don't! Pray for your own, and your loved one's SALVATION - because in the end, eternity is the ONLY thing that matters. And I KNOW for a FACT where my brother is, so when I kissed him on his ice cold forehead at the mortuary before they took him away to be cremated I didn't say goodbye, I said what I always said to him.. "See ya on the flip side bro, I love you"..........
When I spoke at Addison's High School on Monday, on of the things that I did was present to the kids a short list of MYTHS and FACTS about addiction, and especially opiate addiction. The number 2 MYTH was that if an addict sees enough destruction from the use of pills, such as losing a job, losing friends, going to jail, or watching others die from it, that it will WAKE THEM UP. (this is a MYTH) it's a myth because to us, as non-addicts it just makes plain sense!!! But the FACT is: even though they see and experience all of these horrible things happening to THEM and others around them due to pills, it's NOT going to make them quit.
Now, this doesn't include EVERYONE, because there have been people that made a decision to get help, or quit using because they themselves had a realization of what could happen. But IN GENERAL the whole "WAKE UP" thing does not happen, and I'll tell you why.
Addison stole money from my parents. (He would NEVER have done that before) Addison saw 3 of his friends die, and one of his best friends I took him to the funeral and made him stand right in front of the casket and told him that if he died, that I would die too. Not having done my research on Opiate addiction I thought that seeing his friends death before his very eyes would make him quit. It did NOT of course.
Since then I have learned a TON about opiate addiction and what it actually does to their brains. Though seeing stuff like that and having horrible things happen to them because of their actions, does make them feel bad; horrible in fact. It is not enough to make them quit using just because of what they may have seen. They are people just like everyone else. They DO feel sadness, they DO feel shame, they do realized that they are doing these things TO themselves. They get that probably better than we do, as the non-addicts that love them.
However, there is something working in them that is SO much STRONGER than that. Something that will NOT just let them WAKE UP and stop before it's too late. It all has to do with brain chemistry. I told the students at Catholic about DOPAMINE, which is naturally occurring in everyone's brain. It is a neurotransmitter that gives you your sense of "pleasure." When you take pills, your brain is FLOODED with dopamine, as much as 5-10 times the normal level. Over time, by artificially raising the dopamine level in your brain, your brain actually becomes "rewired" to think that extremely high level of dopamine is NORMAL. It actually changes parts of your brain chemistry FOREVER. The addict then REQUIRES more and more of the artificial dopamine just to feel NORMAL. They would love to feel that same high they had in the beginning of using, and spend a lot of time and energy "chasing it." But eventually their changed brains NEED the dopamine from the drug, JUST LIKE WE ALL NEED FOOD. It's that primal of a need. Their brains are telling their bodies, "if you don't get more of that, your body will DIE." Thats where the desperation and the "doing things they would NEVER do before" comes in.
I presented everything at Catholic, in front of the Medical Examiner who performed Addison's autopsy - a VERY intelligent Dr. and scientist, and did not disagree with ANYTHING I said.
So - that's why they can't just stop, that's why they can't just WAKE UP, their brains have been altered - and unfortunately that brain change is irreversible. To say it's that way forever sounds like no one can ever overcome addiction - which we all know is not true. MANY people can overcome it. BUT bc of the brain changes, that is why it is SO DAMN HARD for them. There is a 50/50 chance that a CLEAN addict, will crave an opiate for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. They can do it, they can stay clean, but it's a struggle for them, and it's not an easy life. That's why I have such admiration for those that are clean and stay clean, because they have fought and continue to fight such a HUGE battle, and they should be applauded for it.
One more thing - PRAYER does work. Sounds funny since my Addison is dead doesn't it? We all prayed for him for YEARS, and ran around like crazy people trying to help him and God took him anyway. To some that sure doesn't sound like prayer works! But here is the deal: Gods ways are NOT our ways. God is going to do, what God is going to do- PERIOD. He listens to EVERY prayer and he answers them in HIS timing NOT ours. Some people have prayed for the SAME thing for over TEN freakin years, and FINALLY they get the answer. In HIS time, not ours.
It was God's plan all along to take Addison. He knew he would take Addison on January 2, 2012 before the creation of the universe. There was NOTHING we could have done to stop it.
So all of you fighting right now and praying like warriors, don't think because things haven't gotten better that prayer doesn't work. It's just that God pretty much gets His way oh, about EVERYTHING. We don't have to LIKE it, but we DO have to accept it. He knows EVERYTHING, and everything he does, like taking my brother from me, which sounds and FEELS like such a tragedy, He will work out for everyone's benefit. We don't know how. We don't know why - that's where FAITH comes in.
How has Addison's death benefitted ANYONE? Well, first though I would take it back in a second - my family was living in a nightmare trying to help him. Now, we know where he is and we don't worry about him anymore.
Second, ADDISON was STRUGGLING so hard everyday. God knew, that Addison would continue to struggle, so he just took him on Home, where there is no more struggle.
Third, through losing Addison, God has changed me spiritually in ways that I can't even explain. For years I had a difficult time understanding what "surrender to God" meant. My dad tried to teach me for like a decade - but I thought, well I don't know HOW to do that, and furthermore, I don't want to!!! Boy do I know now. It's like God took a look at me and said "You don't want to surrender your life to me? You say you don't know how? Well I'm going to show you...and he took my Addison away (which was for Addison's good) and God shoved my face in the dirt - so that I wasn't just on my knees in surrender, I was on my FACE. Then he picked me back up and said "THAT is what surrender means, and now that you know, I'm going to make your faith stronger than it has ever been in your entire life." I refused to surrender, and God FORCED me to - and that was for my benefit.
Finally - ALL OF YOU!!!! No one can tell me that the relationships that I have made with all of you hasn't been for ALL of our benefit!!! If Addison were still here, then I would never have met or talked with ANY of you. We wouldn't have a community place where we can talk to each other honestly and cry together, and pray for each other, and WORK on actually getting something done here!!!!
God just sees the BIG picture, and we see a teeny tiny little piece of our own pie. You must TRUST him, that HE KNOWS what is best. If you are in the middle of fighting an addiction yourself, or with someone you love, it is SO HARD to trust Him. I only WISH I had the faith THEN, that I do now. So PLEASE keep praying, God DOES hear you. And please keep sharing with each other on this page, and writing to me. Meeting and talking with all of you has been one of the biggest blessings I have received from losing Addison. I don't have a sibling anymore, but I have 3,310 NEW family members. How many people can say that?
I love you all, and God has changed me so much that I can't believe I just wrote all of that in the midst of losing the most important person in my life - that's how much HE knows, that we don't! Pray for your own, and your loved one's SALVATION - because in the end, eternity is the ONLY thing that matters. And I KNOW for a FACT where my brother is, so when I kissed him on his ice cold forehead at the mortuary before they took him away to be cremated I didn't say goodbye, I said what I always said to him.. "See ya on the flip side bro, I love you"..........
Thursday, March 29, 2012
LAST NIGHT....
Last night my entire family was on a boat. It was an ocean going yacht, with several floors and different deck levels. It was dark, mid-evening, but the fog lights and different colored decorative accent lighting made for a beautiful ambiance as we were docked in the middle of nowhere. We sat outside on elaborately decorated furniture and discussing conversations that I remember nothing about.My family has never owned a boat, in fact my husband Sam is very prone to sea sickness but last night it didn't seem to bother him.
I got up and rounded the corner to walk along the side of this floating mansion, holding on to the railing so that I wouldn't slip on the freshly polished white fiberglass flooring. There was someone walking towards me in the dark. He was taller than me, but wasn't taking very much care or concern about slipping and falling the way I was. As he approached he moved towards me in a way that was so familiar. We met under a spot light hanging at least 15 feet above our heads and I as looked I saw the most beautiful big brown eyes staring back at me. I was gasping for air, and trembling with uncertainty because the person standing before me was Addison. Not an apparition, or a ghostly looking figure, but actually Addison. In the flesh, it was my Addison, clad in bagging jeans, a long sleeved shirt and flip flops of course.
I said "Oh my God, Addison! What are you doing here?!" He replied calmly "Well, I thought you had been asking for me for a while now? Did they tell me wrong?" I stood there staring at him, mouth half open in disbelief with that star struck look on my face people get when they realize they are standing in front of a famous actor or professional athlete and have no idea what to say.
The next thing I remember was leading him around the side of the boat towards the rest of my family shouting "Addison is Here! He's HERE!" No one seemed scared, but just happier than everyone had been in months. We had so many questions for him, that everyone was talking over each other but he seemed to be able to hear everyone individually.
He told my dad that he was a scribe of some sorts in Heaven, but "it's not so bad, I kinda like it." He was very happy to tell me that there WERE animals in Heaven, just like I had hoped. He said "Jessica, just like you read in that book 'Heaven is for Real,' Jesus Does have a multi-colored horse, it's really cool." He told my mom that people in fact DO have wings in heaven, but of course very different from the angels wings.
I told him "I'm so happy you are here, but why did you come?" Addison replied "Sorry, I THOUGHT you wanted to see me!" I grabbed both of his hands, which were warm, unlike the last time I held his hands, and said "I've wanted to see you more than ANYTHING for the last 88 days, I just didn't think that was ever possible. Did you hear me crying for you? Did you hear me say repeatedly that I would do ANYTHING to see you again?" He looked at me with that familiar face, furrowed eyebrows like I was insane, and said "Of course not, you know it doesn't work that way. I was TOLD you wanted to see me. I don't know what's going on down here, we're having fun where I've been! And you KNOW I can't stay." I told him about visiting his High School, and traveling to Nashville, and ALL the work I had been doing and he smiled and said what I had always known he would say if he knew what we were doing - "Figures, I wouldn't expect anything less from you." I said, "do you know Nick Spivey? I met his mom on facebook, he is about your age, his mom and I have talked and you two sound a lot alike." He thought for a minute, lifting his eyes up and to left trying to think and said, "No, I don't know anyone named Nick, but all I have to do is ask, and I can find him."
It was just then that I realized the boat we were on was docked near a bridge, and cars were driving on it at interstate speeds in both directions. Then came an awful sound. A sound that when you hear it, you just know, something gruesome and tragic has just occurred. Then we saw from the boat, a little red truck plummeting towards the water from the bridge above. We all looked on in horror, no one had a phone, and those people need help, what are we going to do??!!! Addison watched too, as the truck hit the water with a sound as if it were smashing into concrete. He turned and said, "it's okay, the woman will be fine, the man is gone already, but he went Home, he's probably already seeing Jesus' face right now." He went onto say "that's how fast it happens you know. In the blink of an eye - you're just THERE."
I hugged Addison and held him so tight. I could smell him. That Addison smell hadn't changed. The way it felt to hug him hadn't changed. Everything felt exactly the same as the last time I hugged him on January 1st.
I so desperately wanted to never let him go, but I felt something licking my face and was very confused. As I opened my eyes, I saw my dog Bella, who had crawled up beside me in the bed as it was nearing dawn. She was licking tears from my cheeks as I slept and had awoken me. I put my arms around her when I realized the dream that I had just had, and whispered to her "I saw Addison Bella; I HUGGED him; I was WITH him." And Bella didn't mind to stay right there next to me as I cried myself back to sleep for a few short hours.
I'm not really sure how my mood will be for the rest of today after having such a VIVID and wonderful dream. Because when I was fully awake this morning I realized that it WAS just a dream, and Addison had not come back to me which makes the ache in my heart so apparent. But at the same time, I think back on it and it's the strangest feeling to be crying and smiling at the same time because in the subconscious of my mind I saw my brother last night. I heard him and smelled him and hugged him and it all seemed so incredibly real.....
I got up and rounded the corner to walk along the side of this floating mansion, holding on to the railing so that I wouldn't slip on the freshly polished white fiberglass flooring. There was someone walking towards me in the dark. He was taller than me, but wasn't taking very much care or concern about slipping and falling the way I was. As he approached he moved towards me in a way that was so familiar. We met under a spot light hanging at least 15 feet above our heads and I as looked I saw the most beautiful big brown eyes staring back at me. I was gasping for air, and trembling with uncertainty because the person standing before me was Addison. Not an apparition, or a ghostly looking figure, but actually Addison. In the flesh, it was my Addison, clad in bagging jeans, a long sleeved shirt and flip flops of course.
I said "Oh my God, Addison! What are you doing here?!" He replied calmly "Well, I thought you had been asking for me for a while now? Did they tell me wrong?" I stood there staring at him, mouth half open in disbelief with that star struck look on my face people get when they realize they are standing in front of a famous actor or professional athlete and have no idea what to say.
The next thing I remember was leading him around the side of the boat towards the rest of my family shouting "Addison is Here! He's HERE!" No one seemed scared, but just happier than everyone had been in months. We had so many questions for him, that everyone was talking over each other but he seemed to be able to hear everyone individually.
He told my dad that he was a scribe of some sorts in Heaven, but "it's not so bad, I kinda like it." He was very happy to tell me that there WERE animals in Heaven, just like I had hoped. He said "Jessica, just like you read in that book 'Heaven is for Real,' Jesus Does have a multi-colored horse, it's really cool." He told my mom that people in fact DO have wings in heaven, but of course very different from the angels wings.
I told him "I'm so happy you are here, but why did you come?" Addison replied "Sorry, I THOUGHT you wanted to see me!" I grabbed both of his hands, which were warm, unlike the last time I held his hands, and said "I've wanted to see you more than ANYTHING for the last 88 days, I just didn't think that was ever possible. Did you hear me crying for you? Did you hear me say repeatedly that I would do ANYTHING to see you again?" He looked at me with that familiar face, furrowed eyebrows like I was insane, and said "Of course not, you know it doesn't work that way. I was TOLD you wanted to see me. I don't know what's going on down here, we're having fun where I've been! And you KNOW I can't stay." I told him about visiting his High School, and traveling to Nashville, and ALL the work I had been doing and he smiled and said what I had always known he would say if he knew what we were doing - "Figures, I wouldn't expect anything less from you." I said, "do you know Nick Spivey? I met his mom on facebook, he is about your age, his mom and I have talked and you two sound a lot alike." He thought for a minute, lifting his eyes up and to left trying to think and said, "No, I don't know anyone named Nick, but all I have to do is ask, and I can find him."
It was just then that I realized the boat we were on was docked near a bridge, and cars were driving on it at interstate speeds in both directions. Then came an awful sound. A sound that when you hear it, you just know, something gruesome and tragic has just occurred. Then we saw from the boat, a little red truck plummeting towards the water from the bridge above. We all looked on in horror, no one had a phone, and those people need help, what are we going to do??!!! Addison watched too, as the truck hit the water with a sound as if it were smashing into concrete. He turned and said, "it's okay, the woman will be fine, the man is gone already, but he went Home, he's probably already seeing Jesus' face right now." He went onto say "that's how fast it happens you know. In the blink of an eye - you're just THERE."
I hugged Addison and held him so tight. I could smell him. That Addison smell hadn't changed. The way it felt to hug him hadn't changed. Everything felt exactly the same as the last time I hugged him on January 1st.
I so desperately wanted to never let him go, but I felt something licking my face and was very confused. As I opened my eyes, I saw my dog Bella, who had crawled up beside me in the bed as it was nearing dawn. She was licking tears from my cheeks as I slept and had awoken me. I put my arms around her when I realized the dream that I had just had, and whispered to her "I saw Addison Bella; I HUGGED him; I was WITH him." And Bella didn't mind to stay right there next to me as I cried myself back to sleep for a few short hours.
I'm not really sure how my mood will be for the rest of today after having such a VIVID and wonderful dream. Because when I was fully awake this morning I realized that it WAS just a dream, and Addison had not come back to me which makes the ache in my heart so apparent. But at the same time, I think back on it and it's the strangest feeling to be crying and smiling at the same time because in the subconscious of my mind I saw my brother last night. I heard him and smelled him and hugged him and it all seemed so incredibly real.....
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