This has sort of become my new theme song
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
switchfoot- let that be enough (lyrics)
Okay this is PROBABLY the last one I'll post today, BUT, I came across this song on an old Jars of Clay CD from when i was in college, more than ten years ago. I hadn't listened to it in FOREVER. But when I put it in, I basically melted. It's not a symbol of me singing to Addison, it is a song to God, but I can't help but get chills when it talks about the singer being 22 years old, which was the age Addison was when he died. This is the song I would sing to God, and HAVE been on a daily basis. Nothing can make me happy anymore now that Addison is gone, nothing I see at least, so God has to be enough. He WILL, in His time not mine. It hasn't happened yet. I still love my family and husband SO much, but the void without my brother is bigger than all of them. I'm no saint, and I'm not that strong, I'm just waiting until I can have happy days again with my family, minus Addison, who was the life of the party, EVERY time. It will come eventually, it's just hell getting to eventually.
LINDA & RICHARD THOMPSON - Dimming Of The Day
Okay I may post ONE more, but I love this song and I think of Addison EVERY time I hear it.
LEONARDO'S BRIDE - EVEN WHEN I'M SLEEPING
Another song on Addison's CD while he was at rehab. I'm into music today, not that I don't ALWAYS love it. But this song describes exactly how I feel about my brother.
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE
I'm not HUGE on Opera, but I LOVE Sarah Brightman. I listened to this song today, it didn't necessarily make me feel better, but I listened to it anyway. Even though most of it is sung in Italian, you can FEEL what she is saying just by listening to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VxDblulTR0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VxDblulTR0
ADDISON FACTS
Facts:
Addison called me "sissy" until he was about 10
We called him "Bug" when he was little, and then I called him "Big A" or just "A" for years, up until he died (even though he was never "big")
Addison had a strange love for furniture. It's kind of hard to describe but he was always testing out chairs and futons and everything had to feel "just right"
Addison could hook up or "rig" any sound system, speakers, components ect... I don't know where he learned how, but if any of us was having trouble with a TV or computer we would always call him
When Addison would spend the night on the weekends he would always want maple bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast
Addison used to come spend the night with me when my husband would go out of town because I hated being in the house by myself
While in the Bahamas one year we ordered the movie "Paranormal Activity" I don't think I would have thought that movie was very scary except for him egging me on the whole time. When it was over I said "I have to pee but I don't want to get up!" And he said "I hope when you do, I'm not hiding behind that wall when you come back!"
The entire back of his Ford Explorer was FULL of speakers and a giant subwoofer. You could hear him coming down the street when he was about a mile away - every time I hear the thumping of someones super load sound system I always think of him
Every time he would come to my house he would ring the door bell like 5 times - KNOWING it would get all of my dogs all riled up and barking (he thought that was so funny, and knew that I DIDN'T)
Whenever he did something that he thought was hilarious to aggravate me, I could NEVER stay mad at him - he was just one of those people you couldn't stay mad at for long
The stairs to go up to Addison's room are right next to the garage door. Every time I would leave my mother's house I would yell "Bye A! I love you!" and he would yell back "Bye! I love you too!"
Out of habit I've almost yelled up to him over the last 2 months forgetting for a split second that he isn't there - sometimes I whisper it to myself just to feel normal
Addison called me "sissy" until he was about 10
We called him "Bug" when he was little, and then I called him "Big A" or just "A" for years, up until he died (even though he was never "big")
Addison had a strange love for furniture. It's kind of hard to describe but he was always testing out chairs and futons and everything had to feel "just right"
Addison could hook up or "rig" any sound system, speakers, components ect... I don't know where he learned how, but if any of us was having trouble with a TV or computer we would always call him
When Addison would spend the night on the weekends he would always want maple bacon and scrambled eggs for breakfast
Addison used to come spend the night with me when my husband would go out of town because I hated being in the house by myself
While in the Bahamas one year we ordered the movie "Paranormal Activity" I don't think I would have thought that movie was very scary except for him egging me on the whole time. When it was over I said "I have to pee but I don't want to get up!" And he said "I hope when you do, I'm not hiding behind that wall when you come back!"
The entire back of his Ford Explorer was FULL of speakers and a giant subwoofer. You could hear him coming down the street when he was about a mile away - every time I hear the thumping of someones super load sound system I always think of him
Every time he would come to my house he would ring the door bell like 5 times - KNOWING it would get all of my dogs all riled up and barking (he thought that was so funny, and knew that I DIDN'T)
Whenever he did something that he thought was hilarious to aggravate me, I could NEVER stay mad at him - he was just one of those people you couldn't stay mad at for long
The stairs to go up to Addison's room are right next to the garage door. Every time I would leave my mother's house I would yell "Bye A! I love you!" and he would yell back "Bye! I love you too!"
Out of habit I've almost yelled up to him over the last 2 months forgetting for a split second that he isn't there - sometimes I whisper it to myself just to feel normal
BLOG UPDATE
I have seen a lot of people have LOOKED at this page, but don't get many comments. I think yesterday I fixed it to where you can comment on anything without having to set up an account through gmail or blogger. Hopefully it will work - somebody give it a try and see if that is easier.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Monday, February 27, 2012
TOWN HALL MEETING
Okay here is Part Two, it is long but worth watching.
http://www.wbir.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1470277100001
http://www.wbir.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1470277100001
TOWN HALL MEETING
In case you missed it here is the link to the first 9 and a half minutes of the Town Hall meeting on Synthetic Drugs. I will try to find the rest of it!
http://www.wbir.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1470954332001
http://www.wbir.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1470954332001
PILLS POEM
This poem was shared with me in a private message by someone on FB that has suffered addiction and watched the devastating effects of pills. I don't know who wrote it but if you are experiencing this battle right now, you will realize how this embodies pill addiction PERFECTLY. If you aren't or haven't experienced this horrible epidemic, after reading this I hope you can understand better what addicts go through, because this is EXACTLY what pills do to them. Thank you so much Sean for sharing this. It is so powerful and so true. I have permanently posted this poem near the bottom left of this blog.
PILLS
I destroy homes, tear families apart,
take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,
the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold,
and if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
but if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms
will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything your family, your home,
your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
the voices you'll hear from inside your head,
the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see;
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me,
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
but you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen. Many times you were told,
but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
PILLS
I destroy homes, tear families apart,
take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,
the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold,
and if you need me, remember I'm easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
but if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
but try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie.
You do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms
will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always, right by your side.
You'll give up everything your family, your home,
your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body; I'll control your mind.
I'll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
the voices you'll hear from inside your head,
the sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see;
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me,
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
but you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen. Many times you were told,
but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master; you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
THIS MORNING
Last night I was with my mother headed towards the County Jail. We were sad, but excited that we were FINALLY going to get to see Addison again after almost 2 agonizing months. It seemed like we would NEVER get there. We were nervous on the drive and talking about all the things we would tell him about the great changes that are taking place that we get to be a part of. It was late, dark and cold outside. We were just happy to know that he was safe, warm, and had food, even though it probably wasn't very appetizing.
We arrived to see people coming in drones, everyone anxiously awaiting when they would open the doors, chattering amongst themselves and filling out the required paper work to be admitted to the visiting area. When we approached the counter and handed our papers to the woman in uniform, she said "there must be some confusion; Addison Sharp isn't here, he was arrested on a serious drug charge and has been transferred to a federal prison." Our hearts sank, and they broke even more when she informed us that we couldn't go visit him there, but at least we could make a call and talk to him.
We left angry, upset, heartbroken. Why hadn't they TOLD us of this move? We've waited since January to see him and now we CAN'T! I've been desperately wanting to see him and talk to him EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last 57 days. How I longed to see him, though I dreaded seeing him behind a piece of glass where I couldn't touch him, couldn't hug him, could't kiss his cheeks and forehead a million times.
So home we went, in the middle of the night. Trying to stay calm enough to figure out how to phone this federal prison to finally hear his voice again. We fumbled through phone books, and internet sites trying to get the number. How would we even know what inmate number he was? They didn't tell us. And everyone knows when you are locked up you are reduced to a number, not a name, not a person, not my baby brother.
We get the number and nervously call. Mom with one cordless phone trembling to her ear, and another held shaking to mine. Another woman answers, a corrections officer with all the politeness of a DMV employee. My voice was caught in my throat, and when I spoke it was noticeably shaky. "My name is Jessica Akhrass, I am looking for my brother Addison, apparently he was transferred there without our knowledge. I NEED to talk to him, I don't know what his inmate number is, can you PLEASE help me!?" As we were put on hold my eyes locked with my mother in anxious fear. The woman returned to the line and said, "There is no Jeffery Addison Sharp here. Don't you remember, He's DEAD."
I shot up in the bed this morning realizing I had just had the worst dream of my life. Addison is gone. Gone forever until I cross into heaven myself. There will be no more phone calls, or visits, or hugs and kisses. I can't get to him. I won't being seeing him EVER, on this side of life. I needed to share this with you as tears stream down my face typing this surreal and nightmarish dream. My heart feels literally broken and the anxiousness has still not gone away. I thought as I laid in bed, alone, my husband already gone to work, "Addison is gone. My baby is gone. Someone please help me."
We arrived to see people coming in drones, everyone anxiously awaiting when they would open the doors, chattering amongst themselves and filling out the required paper work to be admitted to the visiting area. When we approached the counter and handed our papers to the woman in uniform, she said "there must be some confusion; Addison Sharp isn't here, he was arrested on a serious drug charge and has been transferred to a federal prison." Our hearts sank, and they broke even more when she informed us that we couldn't go visit him there, but at least we could make a call and talk to him.
We left angry, upset, heartbroken. Why hadn't they TOLD us of this move? We've waited since January to see him and now we CAN'T! I've been desperately wanting to see him and talk to him EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last 57 days. How I longed to see him, though I dreaded seeing him behind a piece of glass where I couldn't touch him, couldn't hug him, could't kiss his cheeks and forehead a million times.
So home we went, in the middle of the night. Trying to stay calm enough to figure out how to phone this federal prison to finally hear his voice again. We fumbled through phone books, and internet sites trying to get the number. How would we even know what inmate number he was? They didn't tell us. And everyone knows when you are locked up you are reduced to a number, not a name, not a person, not my baby brother.
We get the number and nervously call. Mom with one cordless phone trembling to her ear, and another held shaking to mine. Another woman answers, a corrections officer with all the politeness of a DMV employee. My voice was caught in my throat, and when I spoke it was noticeably shaky. "My name is Jessica Akhrass, I am looking for my brother Addison, apparently he was transferred there without our knowledge. I NEED to talk to him, I don't know what his inmate number is, can you PLEASE help me!?" As we were put on hold my eyes locked with my mother in anxious fear. The woman returned to the line and said, "There is no Jeffery Addison Sharp here. Don't you remember, He's DEAD."
I shot up in the bed this morning realizing I had just had the worst dream of my life. Addison is gone. Gone forever until I cross into heaven myself. There will be no more phone calls, or visits, or hugs and kisses. I can't get to him. I won't being seeing him EVER, on this side of life. I needed to share this with you as tears stream down my face typing this surreal and nightmarish dream. My heart feels literally broken and the anxiousness has still not gone away. I thought as I laid in bed, alone, my husband already gone to work, "Addison is gone. My baby is gone. Someone please help me."
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Horrible Mornings
The morning is the worst time for me, with very late at night being a close second. I'm not sure what I should be doing. It's so quiet. The void feels larger than my whole body. I just feel empty.
I'm so happy about my phone call from Nashville, and THRILLED I can go to testify next month to help make such a huge change.
I made this blog because facebook was no longer allowing me to read all the many comments and supportive posts made by my friends.
Not that many people have followed me over to Addison's page. I'm sure you all have made comments on fb if the page still appears normal to you. I haven't had any communication with this new community that gathered around me with such love and support and I feel very alone.
At first I was just FURIOUS that Addison's page seemed to have some sort of glitch in it that I couldn't fix. Then I felt excited that I could continue on in another place. No I feel lonely and that I'm posting things that people aren't reading. It's like when I talk out loud to Addison, it makes me feel better for a minute, but I know from what the Bible teaches he can't hear me.
Please join me over here. I didn't realize REALLY how I had come to rely and enjoy your comments and posts, and personal experiences until I could no longer get to them.
It takes about a minute longer than fb to join this page. I know how much time many of you have spent on his page reading and commenting and supporting me, and I SO appreciate that. Could you take that extra minute?
I'm so happy about my phone call from Nashville, and THRILLED I can go to testify next month to help make such a huge change.
I made this blog because facebook was no longer allowing me to read all the many comments and supportive posts made by my friends.
Not that many people have followed me over to Addison's page. I'm sure you all have made comments on fb if the page still appears normal to you. I haven't had any communication with this new community that gathered around me with such love and support and I feel very alone.
At first I was just FURIOUS that Addison's page seemed to have some sort of glitch in it that I couldn't fix. Then I felt excited that I could continue on in another place. No I feel lonely and that I'm posting things that people aren't reading. It's like when I talk out loud to Addison, it makes me feel better for a minute, but I know from what the Bible teaches he can't hear me.
Please join me over here. I didn't realize REALLY how I had come to rely and enjoy your comments and posts, and personal experiences until I could no longer get to them.
It takes about a minute longer than fb to join this page. I know how much time many of you have spent on his page reading and commenting and supporting me, and I SO appreciate that. Could you take that extra minute?
To Make You Feel My Love by Trisha Yearwood (Lyrics)
Another song on the CD I made for Addison when he was at rehab. It expresses EXACTLY how I felt, and how I still feel
Saturday, February 25, 2012
ADDISON FACTS
Facts:
I made a grilled cheese sandwich today, that was the one food item that he ate more of than anything his entire life
Every time Addison would spend the night with me he slept on the couch, he always had to have two pillows and a pale green flannel sheet - the blankets were too hot, and a regular sheet was too cold (he was very specific about that)
Addison made fun of me for years when I accidentally sliced my finger open - with a butter knife
Addison watched Sports Center almost 24/7 - he knew so much about every sport, even ones he didn't follow
Addison LOVED Dane Cook- and could imitate him almost perfectly
Addison's favorite X Box games were Fifa and Madden
I was always so protective over Addison because he was so much younger than me, but as he got older, and bigger than me, I realized how protective he had become over me
Pillow fights were a regular occurrence, even when we were adults (but then they weren't as fun then because he could beat me)
My husband used to play football in the front yard with Addison and his friends when they were very young - it was Sam against ALL of them and they still thought it was so wonderful when they won
I don't EVER remember a time when Addison couldn't swim. He was in the water from the time he was months old and was never afraid
In our pool we would have diving contests with his friends - we were the judges and the boys competed against each other, the prize was bragging rights and they thought that was wonderful
Every Fourth of July we would all sit in our front yard together to watch the Fox Den fireworks show, which we had a perfect view of
While Addison and I were out one day we ran into one of his friends mothers. He introduced me and she told Addison that he had a very pretty sister. I was surprised and touched when we walked away and he said "you know, it would be better if you were just 'decent' looking, I get tired of having to talk about how beautiful my sister is when people meet you'
The fist week of February I got my first and only tattoo. It's on my lower back of an Upper Case A in green for his Catholic High School color. On the left has his year of birth, 1989, and on the right his year of death, 2012
I now wear a necklace now that has a tiny bit of his ashes inside and his named engraved on the back
I made a grilled cheese sandwich today, that was the one food item that he ate more of than anything his entire life
Every time Addison would spend the night with me he slept on the couch, he always had to have two pillows and a pale green flannel sheet - the blankets were too hot, and a regular sheet was too cold (he was very specific about that)
Addison made fun of me for years when I accidentally sliced my finger open - with a butter knife
Addison watched Sports Center almost 24/7 - he knew so much about every sport, even ones he didn't follow
Addison LOVED Dane Cook- and could imitate him almost perfectly
Addison's favorite X Box games were Fifa and Madden
I was always so protective over Addison because he was so much younger than me, but as he got older, and bigger than me, I realized how protective he had become over me
Pillow fights were a regular occurrence, even when we were adults (but then they weren't as fun then because he could beat me)
My husband used to play football in the front yard with Addison and his friends when they were very young - it was Sam against ALL of them and they still thought it was so wonderful when they won
I don't EVER remember a time when Addison couldn't swim. He was in the water from the time he was months old and was never afraid
In our pool we would have diving contests with his friends - we were the judges and the boys competed against each other, the prize was bragging rights and they thought that was wonderful
Every Fourth of July we would all sit in our front yard together to watch the Fox Den fireworks show, which we had a perfect view of
While Addison and I were out one day we ran into one of his friends mothers. He introduced me and she told Addison that he had a very pretty sister. I was surprised and touched when we walked away and he said "you know, it would be better if you were just 'decent' looking, I get tired of having to talk about how beautiful my sister is when people meet you'
The fist week of February I got my first and only tattoo. It's on my lower back of an Upper Case A in green for his Catholic High School color. On the left has his year of birth, 1989, and on the right his year of death, 2012
I now wear a necklace now that has a tiny bit of his ashes inside and his named engraved on the back
EXCITING Pharmaceutical News
EXCITING NEWS!
Today I spoke with a woman who works for Endo Pharmaceuticals. They are the manufacturers of Opana. That is the drug that Addison overdosed on. They have discontinued the "old" version of Opana and are replacing it with a Tamper Resistant form of this drug. This means that is not in the form of a pill, and CANNOT be crushed, snorted, melted, or injected. Since it is a 12 hour time released HIGHLY powerful medication, it is deadly when altered from its original form, so they are now creating it in a form that CAN'T be altered.
I will get to travel to Nashville on March 13 (that's so SOON!) to testify at a hearing on their behalf. I am so excited to be able to help in this change. Hopefully other narcotic manufacturers will fall in line with Endo and change their medications to Tamper Resistant as well. This is not going to SOLVE our huge problem but it is definitely a huge step in the right direction.
More to come on what is taking place as I go along - please join this page and share it with others!
Thanks!
Today I spoke with a woman who works for Endo Pharmaceuticals. They are the manufacturers of Opana. That is the drug that Addison overdosed on. They have discontinued the "old" version of Opana and are replacing it with a Tamper Resistant form of this drug. This means that is not in the form of a pill, and CANNOT be crushed, snorted, melted, or injected. Since it is a 12 hour time released HIGHLY powerful medication, it is deadly when altered from its original form, so they are now creating it in a form that CAN'T be altered.
I will get to travel to Nashville on March 13 (that's so SOON!) to testify at a hearing on their behalf. I am so excited to be able to help in this change. Hopefully other narcotic manufacturers will fall in line with Endo and change their medications to Tamper Resistant as well. This is not going to SOLVE our huge problem but it is definitely a huge step in the right direction.
More to come on what is taking place as I go along - please join this page and share it with others!
Thanks!
Nashville Udate
NASHVILLE UPDATE:
I received a long awaited call from State Representative Ryan Haynes yesterday afternoon. He has read my list of regulations and I wanted to share with you some good news. First he couldn't BELIEVE that we don't already have some of these regulations in place! He thought they were all reasonable, simple, and necessary. The problem I was having with SB#1258 (Yager's Bill) is that PARTICULAR bill has already been passed and cannot be changed. At first I was told we would have to wait and make a NEW bill for next year. NEXT YEAR?? I was confused and frustrated. BUT! - Haynes informed me that there is NO reason why we can't find ANOTHER bill that is in question currently that deals with prescriptions, so that some, if not ALL of these regulations could be added THIS YEAR.
He is going to work very hard next week to find the right bill to add the regulations to. This is wonderful news. This means that we may actually get some LAWS put into place soon, so that our law enforcement can actually DO something about this issue.
I was thrilled to have spoken with Ryan, and he invited and encouraged me to contact him via phone if I or (we) had any more questions anytime.
I received a long awaited call from State Representative Ryan Haynes yesterday afternoon. He has read my list of regulations and I wanted to share with you some good news. First he couldn't BELIEVE that we don't already have some of these regulations in place! He thought they were all reasonable, simple, and necessary. The problem I was having with SB#1258 (Yager's Bill) is that PARTICULAR bill has already been passed and cannot be changed. At first I was told we would have to wait and make a NEW bill for next year. NEXT YEAR?? I was confused and frustrated. BUT! - Haynes informed me that there is NO reason why we can't find ANOTHER bill that is in question currently that deals with prescriptions, so that some, if not ALL of these regulations could be added THIS YEAR.
He is going to work very hard next week to find the right bill to add the regulations to. This is wonderful news. This means that we may actually get some LAWS put into place soon, so that our law enforcement can actually DO something about this issue.
I was thrilled to have spoken with Ryan, and he invited and encouraged me to contact him via phone if I or (we) had any more questions anytime.
Friday, February 24, 2012
WELCOME!
Welcome to Addison's New Blog Page! I'm sorry for the inconvenience of moving from facebook, but when I couldn't communicate with you I had to do something about it. We will just have to continue to share and support one another from here instead. Please spread the word that this is where we are now. We are all so used to facebook, we will have to learn how to use this page together! We can continue our discussions, I will continue to post links, FACTS about Addison, and progress with the legislative system from here. So tell everyone this is where we are now!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)