LETTER TO ADDISON

Big A,
I went to see my therapist Annabel two days after you died. We had talked about you before, when I had gone to see her and she knew how much I loved you and how worried I was about you all the time. She was very upset for me when I called her and told her you were gone. As I knew she would, she told me to write a letter to you, just to get everything out. I knew it would be a while before I was able to do this, and I wasn't sure what the point was at the time because you and I never left anything unsaid. But Annabel is almost ALWAYS right.
But today, which is April 2, is the third month anniversary of your death. You have been gone from my life for the last 92 days. Today I am going to start writing a book about you, and about us. I'm going to talk about things that if you were here, you would really be embarrassed about. But I am not embarrassed or ashamed of you.
I want you to know how proud I am of you for fighting so hard against your addiction. I know you tried SO hard. I know that you didn't want to be that way. I think I will always be a little mad at you for taking that very first pill, and I will ALWAYS be mad at that kid (you know who) who gave it to you. But I know that it was a mistake, and we ALL make mistakes, and you took that first pill having NO idea how serious it would become.
We spent so many hours, and so much energy trying to figure out a way to help you. I wish you would have called me when you were struggling. You promised me that you would, but you never did. I know that you didn't call because you didn't want to disappoint me or make me mad at you. But I desperately wish that you had at least given me the chance to help you when you really needed it, instead of trying to deal with that beast all by yourself.
The day that you died was our worst nightmare come true. If you could have only seen how wild I was in that hospital. Orbin and Sam had to hold me down. Poor mom was in a wheelchair, and Susie was crying, which we both know she rarely does. The scream that came out of my mouth when mom told me you were dead didn't sound human. It was so loud and out of control, and it sounded like some kind of wild animal. It sure didn't sound like my voice. Dad was in a chair sobbing; he was crying for you Addison, worse than either of us has ever seen Dad cry before. Orbin went and picked up Mimi from work, she could barely walk on her own when he led her into the emergency room.
I called Amanda, and she and Billy and Robin came to the hospital. Susie called John and he came too. Some of us went back into Room 1 to see you. John couldn't go. He was your best friend since 6th grade and he couldn't see you like that, and didn't want to remember you like that, but NOTHING was going to stop me from going to see you.
You looked just the same, except you were cold. I inspected you everywhere, though I'm not sure why. They had a tube down your throat and when they asked if we wanted to donate your beautiful eyes we said yes, and they had to cover them with an ice pack. After a short while they told us we had to leave, because the transport people had come to take you to UT to have your autopsy. They had to FORCE me to leave because I didn't want to let go of you.
Everyday since then has been terrible. None of us know what to do without you. Sadie is very sad, and she looks for you all the time. She goes up into your room, and she doesn't eat or play very much. She gets excited when John comes over though, you know how much she liked him. Mom told me yesterday that Lou Ellen is letting John get his own dog. He will bring her over to play with Sadie I'm sure.
I don't remember the month of January. It's like a big blank spot in my mind. All I know is the last three months have been the worst time of ALL of our lives. I don't think you ever knew HOW many people loved you.
I started getting messages on FB immediately from all of your friends talking about how wonderful you were, and how much they are going to miss you.
I've been working really hard since you left. I'm trying to make sure this doesn't keep happening to more and more people. If you saw me today, you wouldn't believe what I look like. You'd NEVER believe I spent so many hours at the gym before. I lost 12 pounds immediately after you died and barely weighed 100 pounds. I've gained some of it back from Sam force feeding me, but have lost all of my muscle. You can count every rib and every vertebrae, and my hip bones protrude more than normal.
I can't put into words how much I miss you. There AREN'T words to say how much. Mom and Dad aren't doing well. Dad is trying really hard to get through tax season, which you know is hard on a regular basis. Mom is doing the best she can, but like me, a lot of times we can't get out of the bed. I know that you wouldn't want us to be this way, but we can't help it. We just really thought you were going to be okay.
Sometimes I scream and cry and roll around in the floor. Sometimes I just chain smoke and stare off into space for LONG periods of time. I don't see much of my friends unless they come over to my house. I've lost a couple of friends, which is terrible, but I've gained a lot of new ones which is wonderful. Oh, and I got a tattoo of an upper case A on my lower back! And don't worry it's off to one side, and not right in the middle, I know how you felt about those kind of tattoos.
When I go to mom and dad's, I can't help but go up into your room sometimes. Mom has closed the door and as soon as I walk in, the smell of you is so apparent. Sometimes I lay on your futon and smell your pillows, and blankets, and clothes. I took some of your hats home, and some sweatshirts. Mom gave me the pillow you were sleeping on when you died and I have slept on it every night since. She wanted to keep your favorite UT blanket.
You always wanted to help people A, and you are. You aren't here, but you are still helping them. I'm hoping that through me, people ALL over will know the name ADDISON.
The hole that is in my heart needs to start to close up. I know it will scar, but now it's just a huge open wound, and it's really hard to live with it like that. I don't know how to live the rest of my life without you. I really did think that we would grow old together. I am an only child again, and I don't like that at all. I'm happy that you aren't struggling anymore though, and I know you will be right there, waiting on me, when my time comes.
I can't say goodbye to you, and I can't "move on," and I can't "let go." But I do have to learn to live again. I have to learn to work out, and take care of myself, and enjoy riding Cleo again. I have my first horse show at Dene's in two weeks, so I have a lot to do to get ready for that. Sam needs me, and mom and dad need me. What makes me the saddest is the YOU don't need me anymore. You are safe now. A lot of times when you would call me the FIRST thing you would say is "Jessica I need you!!!" Everyone, especially women, want to feel needed, and you always made me feel that way; needed.
There is so much more I could say. I could write for hours probably. I'm not going to say goodbye, but see ya later. I love you to the moon and back A, and I'll miss you everyday until I see you again.
With all the love in my heart,
Jessica