Tonight has been a painful one. I don't know why. One minute you think you are fine, and you get used to telling people that "my little brother died," then without a moments notice you can't believe those words that are coming out of your mouth.
Everyone has been so kind, especially on this page but so many have said that THIS is the "new normal." They are those that unfortunately have been through the same thing so they would know. I don't want this to be the "new normal" and I don't want to learn to live with it. And if I could take 4 or 5 days at a time I would, but one day at a time is our only option.
I just want my brother back. All the fears and worries about him are gone, but have been replaced with a kind of sorrow that I never knew existed. I feel bad for my husband, who has been unbelievably wonderful, but who would want to live with someone thats eternally sad?
I feel bad for my parents since this is the second son they have lost. Many of you don't know they had a son before I was born that was very premature, and in the late 70's they didn't have the technology they do today for premies. He lived one short week before dying on October 26, 1978. Then I was born on October 26, 1979. I never got to meet him and until Addison died I never put into perspective that I actually have TWO brothers. But I am the only one left. They are together now and I'm alone with no siblings, and no children of my own.
As time marches on, what will become of me if I outlive everyone? What will I do if I'm the only one left? I want to enjoy life again, but I don't know how to do that.
Living with Addison as an addict we used to say was a nightmare, and it was. But I would trade that nightmare for this one without a second thought.
I knew I had led a very blessed and privileged life for 32 years, but I didn't realize how quickly that could turn into what feels like hell on earth.
I look at our last photograph together, on our last night on earth together, on New Year's Eve; we had such a good time. Every time I look at it I think, that was the last day I was TRULY happy. The day Addison died was the worst day of my life. Every day after that has been a tie for second......
Everyone has been so kind, especially on this page but so many have said that THIS is the "new normal." They are those that unfortunately have been through the same thing so they would know. I don't want this to be the "new normal" and I don't want to learn to live with it. And if I could take 4 or 5 days at a time I would, but one day at a time is our only option.
I just want my brother back. All the fears and worries about him are gone, but have been replaced with a kind of sorrow that I never knew existed. I feel bad for my husband, who has been unbelievably wonderful, but who would want to live with someone thats eternally sad?
I feel bad for my parents since this is the second son they have lost. Many of you don't know they had a son before I was born that was very premature, and in the late 70's they didn't have the technology they do today for premies. He lived one short week before dying on October 26, 1978. Then I was born on October 26, 1979. I never got to meet him and until Addison died I never put into perspective that I actually have TWO brothers. But I am the only one left. They are together now and I'm alone with no siblings, and no children of my own.
As time marches on, what will become of me if I outlive everyone? What will I do if I'm the only one left? I want to enjoy life again, but I don't know how to do that.
Living with Addison as an addict we used to say was a nightmare, and it was. But I would trade that nightmare for this one without a second thought.
I knew I had led a very blessed and privileged life for 32 years, but I didn't realize how quickly that could turn into what feels like hell on earth.
I look at our last photograph together, on our last night on earth together, on New Year's Eve; we had such a good time. Every time I look at it I think, that was the last day I was TRULY happy. The day Addison died was the worst day of my life. Every day after that has been a tie for second......
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